Wednesday, December 15, 2010

A Good Day for No Reason

It's so cold outside it's ridiculous. There comes a point when it should really just snow and get it over with! However, I'm fairly content tonight. I have my new fuzzy socks on and I'm eating a SUPER healthy bowl of Easy Mac. I've only had this twice in my life in my defense. ;) I have been smack dab in the middle of finals week so there are piles of grading that are undone at my feet. But for now, I'm content doing nothing but updating this thing and humming Taylor Swift songs.

Today was a great day. And I have no clue why. I kept laughing out loud for the dumbest reasons today and that was fine with me. It started, as most funny stories do, with my cat, Ariella. Every morning at around 5a.m. she decides that she's lonely and paws at my door. After stumbling over to let her in I crawled back in bed and put the covers over my head. Air-Bear (as I tend to call her) didn't miss a beat. She launched all 18lbs of her onto my bed and started looking for me. She climbed up to where she thought my head was and mewed very softly... and pathetically. I grunted. She then climbed around my head and stuck her face under the covers, just inches from my nose. After sniffing my lips (she loves the smell of my chapstick)she barrel rolls onto me and under the covers as well. Sneaky minx! I couldnt help but laugh until I fell back asleep with a purr monster next to me.

The second odd outburst of laughter happened on my way to work. I drove out to Annandale to give a final today. Let me preface this by saying that I drive a LOT. So I have made it a game of mine to scout out cars that I would one day like to own and then hate on the driver. OR I read vanity tags and try to figure them out. This super slow Subaru (yay alliteration!) was in front of me with the tags KTNRSQ. Here is me... "KTNRSQ...Kite and are square? If this is a math equation it sucks! KTNR.. Kitner? The hell. That's not a word. RSQ... risque? Kit risque? RSQ..rescue... KITTEN RESCUE!!! HA! God, I'm Awesome!" *bursts out laughing* The guy at the light next to me witnessed this and quickly sped away. LoL.

I guess it's the little things? Case in point: I felt victorious when I cleaned out our microwave today. Yeah. Welcome to adulthood Meg. For Christmas you want a new set of steak knives, new socks, money for credit card bills and a book stamp. I used to want a pony... or a hot wheels Jeep... or another pony. :)

Speaking of Xmas, I will have to make a post about that soon. As well as the year in Review. THAT should be entertaining. I was scolded for not updating this much. I honestly didn't know people still checked this! For those of you that do, THANK YOU! :)

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Things You Aspire to Achieve...

... They're Right In Front of You.

I didn't think that was true for me. I hoped and prayed and cried and screamed and questioned everything. But I didn't see it in front of me. However, right now, sitting in my lap is a letter. It has my name on it. It has the words "Congratulations" as the opening greeting. And it has the words that I have hoped to hear for years now. My goals for the future have included being a doctoral student and one day having a PhD hanging on my office wall. However, after years of rejections and naysayers and sympathetic looks, I was starting to feel like I was maybe heading in the wrong direction. Maybe someone was telling me that this was not what I was cut out for. But I was lucky in that my support groups were amazing. They wouldn't let me bury myself in pity and shame.

And now here I am. I sat in my Jeep today in the rain on the side of the road with a small envelope addressed to me gripped in my shaking hands. I was already crying because I was sure it was another rejection letter. I whispered "No, no. Please God not again" as my wipers creaked and groaned over the steady shower. My favorite song on the radio played softly in the background, but I couldn't hear it. I didn't want to look, but I had to get it over with. I braced myself for an overwhelming feeling of defeat. However, when I opened it and read the first words... "Congratulations..." I broke down sobbing and hyperventilating. I couldn't believe it was real. When you expect to be let down time after time, a victory is unbelievable.

So now it begins. A new chapter. A chapter I have hoped and prayed for. One that my closest friends have hoped for me and my parents had been sure would appear in time. The call was already made and forms signed. I am a PhD student for George Mason University's Department of Higher Education program. I am getting my PhD. And I am determined to be a diligent and motivated student. I am not going to take this opportunity for granted. All I wanted was a chance for someone to see in me what I hope for myself. That I can do this, and I can do this well. I am NOT going to let them down. I am NOT going to let anyone I love or anyone who has continued to fight and believe in me, down.

"No matter who you are. No matter where you're from... every one deserves a second chance." - Brent Smith

All my Love,

Meg <3

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Just a Little Unwell

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I promise. "Crazy" runs rampant in my family but I haven't caught the virus yet. I will, I'm sure. But let's not be hasty here.

I'm flawed beyond believe. I'm constantly questioning and worrying and sad. I already realize this.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this... maybe just the sad realization that regardless of the progress I make, I will always be weighed down by my past and my lack of confidence. I never take the advice that I give my students. You can fake confidence. You can. I can't. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Probably because the people closest to me can read me like an open book. So if I fake it I'm called out. If I'm silent I'm called out. When I'm fine it's not noticed. So it's assumed I'm always unhappy. I'm not. But it does influence my choices and my hesitations.

I guess what I'm saying is... I'm trying. I can't just "get over it" though.

This is who I am for now. Hopefully not forever. But for now... this is me.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


So many places to go... so many places I've been. I still have a lot of the world left to see.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

If I Knew Then... A Quarter Century's Worth of Knowledge

I don't believe I've ever done a full blown "life" update before, but I suppose with the coming and going of my 25th birthday that it is only fitting.

So where am I in my life? What have I experienced and what has fallen short? As you can see, it's September 16th... it has taken me until now to build up the courage to ask myself all of this in order to make this post. And I'm still leaving things out. But nonetheless this is what I know...

After a quarter of a century I am proud and disappointed in myself. Proud of my accomplishments both personally and professionally, but disappointed in my failures and mistakes. I'd love to say I'm the type of girl who does not hold on to regrets... but I have enough baggage to run my own airport.

I have three degrees. Two Bachelor of Arts (English and Communication Studies) and one Master of Arts in Communication. I have yet to be accepted to a PhD program, as has been the goal before now.

I am a college professor and I am in love with my job. It is busy and stressful and fun and fulfilling. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had hoped to be a writer, and aside from this sad little string of blogs, I have not made much else. My novel is farrrrrrrrrr from complete and I'm terrified to submit my research to journals because I don't believe it is up to par. Fiction and narratively I am an okay writer. (With formal training) I do believe that I could be a good writer.

I am almost completely financially independent of my family. However, I am in student loan and credit card debt up to my ears... and as such my parents still contribute to the cause to keep me afloat. For that I am eternally thankful.

I have traveled to the following places: Ireland, Canada, Arizona, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Washington D.C. (Yes I did it alphabetically cause I'm awesome).

I have fallen in Love and out of Love. I have had my heart ripped to shreds and have failed to completely mend it (I'm not sure if that is even possible). I've broken someone's heart and failed to completely mend theirs. I have lost dear friends and found new ones. I've rekindled friendships from my past and made peace with the fact that some people aren't worth the effort.

The people that have taught me to love have also taught me to hate. I've found that sometimes the ones who build you up will also break you down. I've managed to find strength within myself that I could not imagine that I possessed. But I am still self loathing and have a long way to go. Trust me, I'm still working on it.

I have a great relationship with my parents and sister even after a heart-wrenching divorce. I think we all came out better on the other side.

I am in love with music and have attended well over 70 concerts. Music heals me when nothing else can.

I've done stupid things when I was young and I fully intend on warning my children against them to no avail. :)

I've read countless books, but still have a lot to learn. I've had plenty of missed opportunities and failed attempts but I'm optimistic that doors will still open when they need to.

I've found God.

I am a Jack of all Trades but a Master of None. I want to be really REALLY good at one thing.

I can fix many things on my Jeep by myself. I'm not afraid of getting dirty or of wearing pink.

I've had cancer before and got it treated (don't worry please, it was only Basal Cell Carcinoma... an incredibly treatable form of epidermal layer skin cancer). I am cautious because of this.

I have had my power and control taken from me and managed to slowly gain it back. I fully intend on preventing this from happening again to myself or anyone I love.

I've gotten drunk but decided that drinking is not my thing. However a Jack and Coke can easily fix a sour mood. I know how to cook and I Love to... I just don't always have the time or energy. Drugs are a no-no for me... excluding coffee of course. ;)

I am a lease-holder, a car owner and a stock market trader. I'm also saving for retirement.

I still have so much I want to do... get married, have babies, buy a house, get a dog and another cat, pay off my debts, get a PhD, accept who I am and love me for it, write and publish a novel... etc. So I guess we'll see what I have when the next 25 years have passed.

Regardless, I'm still afloat.

Meg <3
Est. 1985

Monday, August 23, 2010

...In With the New

The purge is complete!

I wish I could have done more but I started teaching today so I wanted to have a "final product" by now. The clothing was the biggest and best accomplishment of the week. I donated SEVEN trash bags and have about another half a bag for my sister. :)

Books are going to friends and family as well as the thrift store. I threw away the crap and cleaned and organized.

Everyone was right. It was a cleansing experience (no pun intended). ;)

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and help. :) It was a good thing and I hope to spend more time throughout the semester cleaning, organizing and just simplifying.

Tomorrow is my 25th birthday so expect another post! Probably a deeper, more reflective one on my past quarter of a century. lol.


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Out with the Old...

The time has come... well... it's actually been a long time comin. Anyone who has been to my apartment knows. It's pathetic. I'm on the cusp of being 25 years old and my living space looks similar to an exploded frat house. I'm tired of living like this. I remember a time when I was fairly neat. Now granted, I have ALWAYS been a pack rat. If I bought something I assume that I will use it... why would I get rid of it if I spent my hard earned money on it? The mentality comes from not having a bunch of money growing up and still currently struggling to make ends meat. As such it seems preposterous for me to get rid of my things when I can't afford to replace them. However, I have reached the point of mental break. I cannot come home from work every day to this and feel happy. I don't live like an established adult and it needs to end.

So here is what is going to happen. I have less than a week before the Fall semester starts for me. With it I will be teaching six classes which is ridiculous. However, it is a necessary evil to afford a Northern Virginia lifestyle. So this week will be spent doing the following:


- Clothing Purge
* Parameters: The clothing must fit comfortably on me or be ONE size smaller (I'm still gonna attempt to get back down to 138). Also, if it does not fit comfortably in the dressers or closet it is gone. If it has holes or is faded it goes. If I have not worn it in a year it goes. All clothing that is out will be donated to the Clocktower Thrift in Centreville and any else that may fit my sister will be shipped to her.

- Syllabi x3
* Parameters: Three syllabi will be started today for COMM 100 at GMU. The templates are established so all that changes are dates and a few assignment types. These should be complete by midnight of Day 1

- Book Purge
* Parameters: This is heartbreaking, but I have too many books for the space I live in. As such some need to be purged. If I have duplicates the one in worse shape goes. If they are borrowed (read or not) they are returning to the owner. If I am just not going to get to it and I know it they go. If they are classics that I won't reread for a while or have no space for they will be boxed and sent back to my father's home for storage.

- Syllabi x2
* Parameters: Two syllabi for CST 110 Annandale should be started. They use a new book so I should email office admin about using a different text or getting a copy of the new book. Assignments and dates should be updated and compared to my roommates from the summer (she taught from the new book). Should be complete by Day 3

- Knicknack Purge
* Parameters: Lets face it. I own useless shit. Kitchy shit. And I like it. I do. But I don't have space for all of it. Thus, if it is something I would have liked in high school or undergrad and would NOT have bought now then it goes. If it does not fit my bedroom decor it goes. If it has sincere sentimental value but doesn't fit it will be stored at my father's home. The wall photos will be organized. Complete the concert ticket frame and hang it. If it makes the room look cluttered it's going.

- Syllabi x1
* Parameters: Last syllabi for CST 110 Woodbridge will be updated. A template exists so I'll just update dates and assignments. Should be complete by end of Day 3.

- Bath and Body Purge
* Parameters: In case there was any confusion, I'm a woman. I have moments of girlishness. As such I own far too many bath and body products. It looks Bath and Bodyworks has exploded in my bathroom and extends to my bedroom. If it has not been used in 6 months it goes. If it is expired it goes. If it does not fit comfortably under my sink or on my vanity it goes. I don't need 10 body lotions, 4 shampoos or old face creams that didn't work. Get rid of it. Now! If the makeup is old it goes. If it's a garish color or about to run out it goes.

- Jewelry Purge
* Parameters: I keep things that I don't like. I have crap from exboyfriends I can't stand. It is getting sold. I will collect anything of value that I don't like and sell it. Any costume jewelry that I don't wear normally will go. If any of you want to look at this stuff you are welcome to it. Just post a comment and let me know. All family and sentimental jewelry will be saved and put in my large jewelry case that I DON'T USE! All jewels that I wear weekly will go in ONE jewelry box in my bathroom for normal wear. All other jewelry boxes will be stored or donated.

- Assignment Prep

* Parameters: All assignments/activities for the fall term will be made today and organized. All syllabi and assignment documents will be placed on the computer in ORGANIZED files.

I don't expect my life to be perfectly organized after this, but I do expect to see an 80% improvement from where I am now. I need to change my focus to PhDs and enjoying my life and saving money. I can't do that if I'm constantly surrounded by crap. I'll update at the end of each day to say what has changed and what is left. I think this blog gives me a little responsibility to do this and to do it right. :) Words of support are always helpful and if you are interested in any of my trash, be my guest to make it your treasure. :)

Here goes nothing...


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay..."

The title quote is the opening line of "Finnegan's Wake" by James Joyce written just as so - as if the sentence started before the book because it does. It's a cycle. Never ending...

I wrote the following to Christopher Newport University yesterday upon hearing of the passing of a great mentor and professor to me - Dr. Tracey Schwarze. She lost a very brave battle to cancer. As the few of you who read this like to know what is going on in my life and my head, I will share this bit with you here.

I am writing this with a heavy heart. I am not sure if this is who or where I should send this letter to but I hope it reaches a broader audience than just myself. I had the privilege of being taught by Dr. Schwarze during my tenure at CNU from 2003-2007. She became a mentor to me in the English Department, and pushed me to seek further in higher education. Partly due to her guidance I am seeking out PhD programs, and am currently an adjunct professor at George Mason University.

Dr. Schwarze was more than just another professor to me and to many in my cohort. She was a ball of energy and intellect wrapped up in a spunky professor with a passion for literature and culture. She gave me and a few others a very rare opportunity by taking us to Dublin, Ireland in the Summer of 2005. I recently sat on my apartment patio and realized it was the 5 year anniversary of that trip. Five years ago, Tracey (as she made me call her from that trip forward), my best friend Kristen and I sat on a hotel patio in Dublin and watched the night sky; discussing James Joyce and life in general. That trip had a huge impact on me and it is still something that I talk about frequently. I have never been back to Ireland since, but I can remember every aspect of the journey. From that first day in Ireland, Tracey was determined for all of our group to get the most out of the experience. As such, an hour after landing she had us load our stuff onto a bus and climb up the side of a cliff. I'm not kidding. A cliff. And she just traipsed along with 3" heeled boots without a care in the world and without expelling a heavy breath. As a 20-year-old college student I was gasping and panting and felt like falling off the side of the cliff just so I wouldn't have to continue to the top. But that's really how Tracey approached life. She didn't see the daunting task ahead. Instead she just pushed forward with a smile and a sincere determination... all the while enjoying the scenery. She loved life. The trip to Ireland made that evident. She took us sightseeing and out to eat different cuisine every night. We sat in on her lectures at the James Joyce School and could just feel her passion for her work. It was the trip of a lifetime.

After I graduated in 2007 I kept up with Tracey from time to time and told her about my work in graduate school as a communication student. All the while I continued to write and to read the works of Joyce... keeping her in mind. We lost touch a little over a year ago and honestly I did not know that she had fallen ill. I would imagine though, that she battled her illness with the same determination and forward thinking as that cliff in Howthe, Ireland.

All alumni and current students who had the honor of working with Dr. Schwarze will certainly remember her zeal for teaching and trailblazing. I remember we would sit in the classroom waiting for her to arrive for lecture and we could always hear her coming long before she walked through the doorway. She wore amazing high-heeled shoes that clicked and popped down the halls of Ratcliffe. They were always fast, upbeat steps. She never trudged through life. She took it all in stride.

It is with a heavy heart but a peaceful mind that I send this out. I am certainly happy that Tracey is no longer in any pain and that she is surely in a better place. I hope the good Lord likes Ulysses or at least has read the Cliffs Notes... because if I know anything, she's going up there with a quiz in hand.

All my best,

Megan H. L. Tucker
Christopher Newport University Class of 2007
Communication Studies

I believe that for Tracey, I'll dust off my copy of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses and give it another whirl. I challenge each of you to do the same if ever you can.

"One by one they were all becoming shades. Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age."
-- Dubliners, "The Dead"

Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Story is Just Beginning

Finally some reprieve from the drama of my day to day struggles. I've mentioned the power of concerts before to you... if you don't remember, then scroll down. But to sum it up, the energy of concerts has this magical way of revitalizing me. When things get shitty (and trust me they do) or out of control I take some of it back by going to a show. Not just any show mind you. Bands that I love. Thank God Shinedown just toured here this week and saved my life, again.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I seriously haven't smiled that much and felt such a rush in a long time. Not to say my life is so horrible; it isn't. But it did need to get put into perspective again.

So anyway, the show. The Carnival of Madness is the name of the tour and it features 10 Years, Sevendust, Puddle of Mudd, Chevelle and SHINEDOWN!!!!!!! We missed the first two bands because I had to teach in Woodbridge and then got caught on 495 in epic amounts of traffic. My B.

But by the time we got there PoM was starting up. It was an instant sauna. The temp was around 90 but with the 10k fans there all smashed together it felt like 110. Kris and I were doing all we could to not pass out from heat exhaustion. But trust me, it was totally worth it.

A few notes on Shinedown
Whether or not you listen to this band I feel as though I should give them props separate from their musical ability. First of all, they are the most fan-centric band I've ever seen. Everything they do on tour or on their websites/Twitter etc is for their fan base. They have the innate understanding that we (the "family") control their success. We buy the records and tickets to shows. We join the Nation and request them on the radio. Thus, they give a lot of control to their fans. We even got to submit ideas for the set list (which a few of my choices made it on there. TY BRENT!). Second, they are entertainers. They put on a show worth watching. So even if you don't know all the songs (psh, seriously!?) you can still be thoroughly entranced by their stage presence.

Musically, they are one of my all time favorite bands. It's the type of music I'm into (modern rock like 3 Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Crossfade, Seether, Red etc) and there is something for every mood I'm in. Aside from that, the lyrics are simply amazing... I need to find a better word for that but I'm struggling here. I just woke up. Shinedown lyrics have had the ability to make me smile, laugh, cry and scream since day one back in 2003. I first started listening to them when my parents were divorcing and found catharsis in Leave a Whisper. When the stress of college and the faltering of relationships weighed down on me I had Us and Them on my iPod Nano (those were the days lol). After riding off the trauma of a horrific breakup and moving to a new place with such high hopes for my future (that I've since had to rethink) I was needing some solace. So now for the past two years I have had Sound of Madness on my iPod Touch and iTunes and in my Jeep cd player almost nonstop. I have to give a lot of credit to Kristen (my roomie) for getting me back into them as much as I used to be. There was a time when I was digging back through my old bands and listening to their newer stuff. And while I knew every song on SoM, after 6 months I put it away for a while. Then Kris put "Call Me" on a burned cd we listened to when we carpooled to work. I was in love again. Rekindling the romance took about a hot second. I pulled Sound of Madness back out of my cd holder and started up the love affair again. This year I saw that they were opening for Breaking Benjamin and Nickelback... SWEET! Kris and I went and I had the time of my life (I already posted on this). However, their set was sooo short. :( So I did some research and joined their fan club - Shinedown Nation to see when they would actually headline.

This summer was my ticket. Shinedown started up Carnival of Madness and are currently touring all over the US ending in late August in Wyoming (I think). Then they are touring again (see a pattern?) this fall and will be in York, PA which I am totally there!

Brent (the lead singer) talks to the audience a lot throughout. Before he started "Save Me" he asked us if we had ever been in a situation where our power was taken from us by something or someone. Kris and I just looked at each other. Once again it hit home. Brent then demanded (not asked) that we take that power back and not ever let that thing or person have control again. If you keep fighting it then you've won. Put lots of things back in perspective. So thank you (like he'd ever read this). :)

If you have not listened to SD much please give it a whirl. If you know you are not a fan I challenge you to find lyrics you relate to. Maybe it's too hard rock for you... if so, download their iTunes sessions which are acoustically aimed. I am promoting them so much because I owe a lot to how this band makes me feel. Brent, Eric, Zach and Barry are such talents and so eager to be a part of their fans lives.

I don't mean this post a propaganda and I hope you have seen my point. Much like my roommate, closest friends, family and role models, this band has had a part in keeping me sane and offering me a way to let go of all the pain and setbacks that life tends to have in store. I hope that you will find a band or artist that can do the same... you never know, it could be Shinedown. :)

Setlist for Carnival of Madness, Columbia, MD (not in order):
Sound of Madness
I Dare You
Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide
If You Only Knew (FAVORITE!)
Diamond Eyes
Son of Sam
Fly From the Inside
Save Me
What a Shame
Her Name is Alice
The Crow and the Butterfly
Simple Man
Second Chance
... and I know I'm missing one in the middle and hell if I can remember it. :(

"Even in madness I know you still believe. Paint me on canvas so I'll become, what you could never be. I dare you to tell me to walk through fire. Wear my soul and call me a liar. I dare you to tell me, I dare you to"


Thursday, July 15, 2010

Just Venting

I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired, I'm restless and I feel like I'm falling without any form of safety net. And no, it's not exciting or new. It's scary and familiar. The constant feeling of falling. Falling short, falling away, falling off, falling out. It's old and tired... sorta like the way I feel as of late. So many people to disappoint including myself. Especially myself. So many things to lose... jobs, opportunities, money, friends, loved ones, time. There was a song I was listening to the other day that I kinda thought "huh, that's about right." It was about being on the outside of yourself and just watching the drama unfold. And before anyone asks "What's wrong Meg?" please know that this is just an overall state of being. It's from a series of tiffs with people, bad news (mostly job wise) and a financial crisis that I haven't made my way out of. It's kind of like drowning in air.

Everything in life is moving right along. And for the most part I feel like a member of society. I have my health for the most part. I have a great group of friends (who I piss off frequently <3 ), I have a loving family and I have a job that I love. However, I am the master of none. I don't control my emotions and I have a bitch of a time getting a handle on responsibilities of my own. It's hot and loud and crowded here. This is not a pity party. Trust me, I am sick of people thinking that I am never happy or never satisfied. It's simply not true. I love my life. But I can't handle my life efficiently. I'm working on it. Everything about me that you see is a work in progress. Please see that I am trying to be a good person. A success. A dependable friend. A caring individual. An intelligent and successful 20-something just attempting to make it here. I'm tired of having to ask for help. Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I just be settled already? I'm just so tired.

The thing that triggered this was that I scraped up money from under the seat of my Jeep (not kidding) so I could get a cheeseburger today. I paid in pennies, nickels and 2 quarters. I couldn't afford a drink. I got home and settled in and sank my teeth into it. It was glorious. Ten minutes later I was hurling it all up. What a waste of the last bit of money and leaf particles I could scrounge up. And now I'm hungry again. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be that pathetic girl in the McDonald's parking lot digging through her backseat cushions for the last 5 cents to pay Virginia sales tax. That's not what a college professor should do. It's like being a teenager again... except with lots more bills and no family to run home to and cry about it. The absolute worst part of this aside from hurling my dinner was that afterward I felt like poo but I had promised a very good friend that I would go see her today. But I don't have enough gas to go meet her. I didn't feel well and that WAS the main reason for my postponing, but I was also worried I just would break down on the side of the road. I can't afford gas. And she's leaving for good soon. I'm so tired. :(


Thursday, July 1, 2010

Back to my world

I realize I've been posting mostly short stories lately and less on what is going on in my ever-changing world. So back to the Real World: Centreville. Okay, so my life is not that epic that there is any chance at a reality TV train wreck forming, but I still find humor in it all.

Remember that job interview I got and was really excited about? Stop praying for me... it didn't work out. They gave the job away. BUT I WILL NOT BE MOVED! I'm gonna keep digging around for full-time teaching gigs and for PhDs in Higher Ed. Someday the balance of the universe will be restored and I will have some positives happen. Til then I'll just bitch about what could have been. :)

No worries though. I'm not begging for sympathy like I have in the past. I am finding far too many fun things to focus on. For example: If I EVER want a compliment to brighten my day I will go to KFC. (I'll explain). The man who is always working the window when I drive up for my 3 crispy strips, wedges and a drink is just darling! I'll give him my credit card and he asks if I want sauce. I say "honey mustard please." And WITHOUT FAIL he will say something like "you're sweet enough. You don't need honey." Something like that... No I'm not stupid. He says that to every woman who asks for honey mustard I'm sure. But in my perfect world this big burly man is telling me this because I am just as sweet and adorable as pie. ;)

My career is booming... not financially. But personally it's wonderful. I just finished up the first summer session at NVCC Woodbridge. It went by sooo quickly! But they were an awesome group. I also got evals from GMU and NVCC for the Spring and got more 5.00s! Not totally across the board, but they were still good. Apparently one person thinks I try to be funny. Little do they know that I am actually quite hilarious and they have a complex. :) So I'm very pleased. Now if only this job could make money... I'd like to be able to comfortably pay rent AND get my KFC whenever I damn well please.

Let's see... what else... OH! I'm taking an epic solo road trip to Indiana soon. My darling LaKesha is moving there for a full time teaching gig so I promised I'd help her out. I'll see Mr. Joeface while I'm out there so it should be a good time. Let's hope Beep Beep Jr (The green Jeep) will make the journey without problem. I'm sure I'll post about it when I get back.

I need to see more Orioles games. Let's make a date! Anyone?

<3 Meg

Monday, June 7, 2010

A Bedtime Story

I'm in an awful mood and I can't sleep. Figures. I'm exhausted from the weekend and I can't get the 8 hours I'll need for a long Monday tomorrow. Oh well. Someday I'll learn how to handle my crazy tendencies to hate myself to the point of staring at the ceiling and wondering why I think stupid things and why I project onto others... Regardless, this is not what the post is about. My mom told me a story about my grandfather again not too long ago and I wanted to use that plus some creative license to fill in the gaps from what I don't know. I hope it's good.


Keeping my Promise

It had been months. Months since I'd seen her face. Months since I had held her soft hands, watched the way she set her brown curly hair each morning, kissed me goodnight and shyly winked at me from across the dining room. It had been months since I was home. I'd love to say I knew what I was getting into when I set off to this war, but I don't think anything could prepare someone for this. On either side. Doesn't matter if you're German or American or any of the allies on both sides. You don't know what this is until you are knee deep in it. Since D-Day I have made and lost friends. I have questioned and reaffirmed my faith in God. I have made peace with the uncertainty of my time left on this Earth, and I have silently begged for the opportunity to see my wife again. My wife. It's still new to me. It hadn't been long that we were wed before I shipped off to Europe. War doesn't care about timing and neither does Love. But I did promise her I'd come back home.

Our company was in the midst of trudging through the hills and forests of Germany. Sometimes I felt that our hikes were aimless and futile. But I always knew there was a purpose. There was a war to win here. A great one. One for the history books. I hoped I would live long enough to read one. Barely 20 years old and I've made peace with the fact that I might not live through this. But I'd never tell my Mil that. I promised I'd come home. We have a family to start after all. Would be somewhat difficult to do if I were not present for it. The thought made me chuckle.

Today was a good day I decided. The sun was out and the wind was not so biting. We hadn't seen the German army for a few days now, and we were set at a post for a few more days on these hills. It finally felt good to exhale. It's funny that sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe in and out. Too many other things to think about. I looked towards the heavens and calculated the time. Somewhere around noon. The company set up at the top of a familiar hill looking over three small farms. We had the high ground, so it was easier to relax and enjoy a not so hot meal. I set down my gun and pack and began to unwrap a two day old sandwich. Down the hill I spied the barn door of one of the farms swing open slightly. Instinctively I grabbed my gun and crouched. My men did the same. Out of the barn walked a young boy. He immediately saw us and raised his arms up in the air in surrender. He could be no more than 5 years old. We scanned the area around him... nothing. Not a trap. We were called at ease and set our weapons down. The little boy just stared up at us... curious... unafraid. With as much determination as he could muster, he began to slowly walk up the hill towards us. His palms faced outward in front of him and each step was carefully calculated as to not raise an alert.

When the boy came closer I was immediately taken in by him. He had a wash of light hair, marred with dirt and straw. It looked as though the barn was his long-term hideout. His clothes were dirty and the hollow of his cheeks were prominent. He was starving. Most of the men were back to eating lunch, with a few keeping a wary eye at the farmhouses below. I kept watch of the boy as he continued to slowly move up the hill towards us. He caught my eye and greeted me in German. From the very little I picked up in my months here I reiterated the greeting and offered him part of my sandwich. He gave me and my gun the once-over but the growling in his stomach won out. By the look in his eyes, I could tell that the scrap of leftover sandwich I offered was worth his short life. He sat a few feet from me and let me toss him half of the meal. "Danke" he whispered and smiled slightly. I smiled back. Millie wouldn't believe this. The boy didn't stay very long. He finished the sandwich and took a swig from my canteen. Then without another word he wandered back down to the barn and shut the door behind him.

We set up watch for four more days waiting for the rest of our company to arrive with supplies. Each day at around noon we perched up on the open hill and ate lunch. And each day the boy would emerge and trudge up the hill to me. He spoke to a few of the other soldiers who knew more German than I, but he refused to sit by anyone but me. I found out that his mother was down in the barn as well, but had fallen ill. He ventured out to us alone each day for food and eventually a medic who offered to check on his mother. Each day that he came to see me all I could do was think of my wife. I wrote to her on that first night.


What would you think of having a son, Mil? There is a little German boy here who has been sharing my awful lunches with me. He has a mother but no father to speak of. I wonder if he is on the other side of enemy lines. I wonder if we've met already. He looks like I did at his age. Mil, you would be amazed. He shows no fear to us. He is friendly and unabashed by our presence. I think he's lonely. We leave in a few days. I fear for him. I hope if his father is our enemy, that we do not meet and that he returns home for his boy. As I have to return home for you. And when I do come home, I wonder if you would entertain the idea of starting our family. I want a son, Mil. What do you think?

As big as the universe,


It had been months. Months of watching men fall. Months of wandering through this unfamiliar land. Months to think about what my life could be. I spent 5 days with this young boy. I don't even know his name or what became of him. I would like to think that he made it through this war unscathed and that he felt no ill will towards us. I'd like to think that his father returned to care for him and his ailing mother. I'd like to think nothing but the best for this little boy who shared my lunch. It had been months since the last letter made it to me, and it would be another month still before I heard from my Love. But when I did I was elated. Two letters arrived at once. One updated me on my family, and the happenings back home in Jersey. It was postmarked two months before. Millie had fallen ill for a time but was on the mend now. The more recent letter was postmarked a few weeks back. I still have this letter...


I miss you love. The days grow longer and longer. I can't believe it has been 4 months since you left. I found it funny that I started on this letter a few days before I received your last one. My faith in God has never been as steady as now. I say this because I think your little German boy was a sign. A sign that good things are to come. I have news for you. I would have told you sooner but I feared the worst when I fell ill. Al, you're going to be a father. I am four and a half months pregnant. Of course I cannot guarantee that I will be able to give you a son. But I can guarantee that you will be an amazing father. I did not write about this before because I feared that I had lost the child when I was sick. I did not want you to worry or fear. When you come home... and God willing it will be soon. You will be a daddy. Keep your promise to me and I'll keep mine to you. Come home safe. I love you Al.


Five months later my son, Albert Latwinas Jr. was born. Five months later I was a father. It would be months still. Months upon months before I would come home again. Months before I would see my new family. Months before I would hold him and kiss him goodnight. But I would. I would hold him and kiss him. I would watch her curl her hair and look shyly at me from across the room. I would tell my wife that I love her with my little boy wrapped in my arms. I would keep my promise to her.


That was a long one. I hope it was alright. <3


Monday, May 24, 2010

Starting to Write Again

I take so long to update. It's funny too because there are nights that I lay in bed with my laptop with this page open and I just don't know what to say. I can always talk about the trivial little things that happen to me day to day, but what are you really getting out of that? I'm not Confucius by any stretch, but I would like to write with some meaning.

Speaking of which I have been working on writing some nonfiction short stories about my family. These people are far too interesting to NOT write about them. That and I realized that I had forgotten my Pop-Pop's birthday. Which made me terrified of forgetting the stories he used to tell me. So I thought as a little taste test, I'd write a quick vignette here. My mom and I were reminiscing about Pop-Pop not too long ago and we chatted about his trains and our visits down to Florida when I was young. So here is a memory I am sharing here:

It was as it always had been. Every time I arrived it was the same scene. A comfort to know that stability existed; even if I had to fly 4 states South of my home to see it. I'd arrive at Nanny and Pop-Pops after an hour drive from the Tampa airport. Getting out of the car I'd walk halfway up the driveway with my head down and eyes scanning the concrete path. "HA!" Found it. There lying face up in the cement was a 1988 nickel. Pop-Pop had the driveway and sidewalk redone when they moved down to Florida and to commemorate the event he stuck what was in his pocket at the time into the fresh cement. It happened to be that lucky nickel. And I, without fail, would try to pry it up out of the cement every time I came down. Drat. Still stuck in there. Standing back up I dusted myself off and patted the head of a small statue near the front walk. A young man with 1920's attire holding a lantern that I'm sure at one point functioned. But as the years flew by, weather had battered and beaten the statue to it's current state. The light no longer worked and the paint came off of his hat into my hands. All the same, the stone man still smiled and offered up his lantern as a guide to home.

I could hear the TV from the front porch. Old age and poor hearing with the absolute refusal to get hearing aides resulted in the news being blasted at full force. If I stood at the other end of Goldcoast Avenue I'm sure I could still hear the 10-day forecast. Shuffling in with my backpack and duffel bag, I kicked my shoes off quickly and hopped in the parlor. Pop-pop was sitting in his recliner with a blue and cream crocheted throw covering his propped up legs on an old 70's ottoman. He looked up over his shoulder at me and a thousand watt smile spread across his face. (You'd never know he had dentures. I always just thought he had perfect teeth growing up!) "Blue eyes!" He slowly swiveled his chair around and tossed the blanket over the armrest. With a soft grunt the man pushed himself up off the chair with arms outstretched. Pop-pop's hugs were something to behold. Though the man stood barely over five and half feet, he was strong and purposeful. He pulled back after a few seconds and kissed my forehead; dead center as always. "Come in! Come in! You're room is all set. Hurry though, I want to show you my new Lionel." Nanny was shuffling around in the kitchen. "Wash your hands Megan! You don't know what you brought in from that big old air-jet." Perhaps this is where my affinity for hand sanitizer comes from...

After tossing my bags into the small back bedroom, I came back to meet Pop on the back porch. He was already there digging through a new UPS box with packing peanuts flying out both sides. He pulls from the box a blue engine; small and sturdy, with bright yellow lettering down the side: Santa Fe. My Pop-pop was a model train collector since well before I was even a thought in my parents' minds. He had trains from every era and they were all arranged around the porch on homemade shelving units that circled the room. To the left was a large fish tank with 5 Oscars bobbing around. Next to them was the masterpiece. It stood around 3 feet tall and over 12 feet long...taking over the entire left side of the room. For years Pop was building an elaborate train platform for his top engines. The platform needed paint and greenery, but all the track was laid perfectly. He even threw in some extra capital to get a working covered bridge that swayed open for passing ships. It was epic. Every time I visited he had a new boxcar or engine and a new part of the platform complete.

Pop took the new Santa Fe to the platform and hooked it up to an existing 6-car set on the track. A few switches and a rather loud whistle blow later the blue gem was on its way around the track. I'd only seen photos of what my grandfather looked like as a young man. He was a devilishly handsome Lithuanian American with a mop of wavy blonde hair and sparkling eyes the color of a clear sky. He retained all of his good looks even into his 70's. Not a stitch of gray hair invaded his golden locks and his eyes still twinkled behind a pair of fairly modern bifocals. His age was beginning to show as the wrinkles took over and the sun spots emerged. But the second that train started its trek down the platform, a completely different look appeared on his face. His grin was almost childlike, and his arthritic back straightened as the train took each curve of the track with ease. He was a happy man. You would never ever know to look at my grandfather that he had fought in a world war, seen people he loved die and struggled with a poor immigrant family through the Great Depression. Life was not an easy road for Pop-pop. But his smile never had a tinge of bitterness to it. Like the statue at the front walk, my Pop-pop was aging and weather-beaten, but he still had the same genuine smile and still stood as tall as when he was younger and stronger. When I was graduating high school and knee deep in my parents divorce I asked my granddad how he had managed to stay so positive for so long. That's when he told me about his time in the War. And that is a story for another day...


Thursday, May 6, 2010


These need to turn into something soon...

It'll never be the same again
The frigid heart of what once was a friend.

The words are poisoned with hate,
I'll never be sorry for feeling this way.
Been cut to the core,
and sad to say it's far too late.

Windswept and weary,
Lost; not needing to be found
Perfectly content on this road
No lines, no lights, no sure way home.
The sun breaking lower...
The trees start to shiver...
A path becomes more clear,
Wondering where to turn;
Where to go from here.

I had to learn how to love before I could learn how to hate.
Thank you for showing me both.
Fuck you for making the latter stay.
I need to learn to forgive, before I learn to replace.
Thank you for losing it.
Fuck you for leaving me this way.

Okay, so I realize how some of these sound. They are simply honest, and not reflective of how I feel RIGHT NOW. LoL. But of course these thoughts occur. So before any of you think I'm off the wagon or thoroughly depressed; I'm not. I am just human. Life is good, but I still need to write. It's been far too long and I have a lot bottled up from years of love, pain, hate, fear, respect and confusion. It's all going to come out soon. I hope to keep posting things like this and eventually turning them into something whole. Don't ninja my stuff as your own or I'll hunt you down like a turkey at Thanksgiving. TYVM ;)


Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Your Pain is a Gift

I always hope to be better at this. Writing comes naturally to me so I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to post more frequently.

Life has been taking interesting twists and turns. Some good, some not so much so. But I guess that's why life is said to be a roller coaster right? I got a job interview for a full time spot at NOVA. I haven't heard back yet, but at least I know the interview went well for me. I also met with the chair of another PhD program and he was very insightful. I think I may have been barking up the wrong tree. Go figure I'd find out a year later. I hope I've not been wasting my time. Kimmie got married in the Keys and I was honored to be one of her bridesmaids. Weddings make me so happy because I can still see love left in the world... but then I also think back to my past and realize that many of my decisions have been overwhelmingly wrong. Enough on that today. That's a fight for a different day. More good stuff is that K and I have started our summer concert-going and baseball-watching. :) Concerts always do something extraordinary to me. After them I feel much more inspired to write and listen to music extremely LOUD. I've been playing Shinedown nonstop for a while now. Always been a top band of mine, but lately the songs off their new album have offered more of a cathartic experience for me. I support catharsis.

I've been missing people lately. I think because the seasons are changing again and the semester is winding to a close. I'll miss some of my students. They have really been awesome and supportive this semester. I needed the ego boost (a teacher of the year award didn't hurt either!) I'm also missing people who are not a part of my life anymore. I have got to start working on letting things go. Especially when I have NO control over them. That's always been one of my fatal flaws. I don't forget anything and I dwell constantly. Nothing about that can be healthy.

Regardless, I need to start working with what I have. My successes and failures can all benefit me if I use them correctly. This summer I resolve to start writing again. Not just on here, but my stories and songs again. I used to write everyday... but somehow over time I've lost faith in the craft and gave up. Time to stop hesitating all the time.


"I never heard such a haunting melody. Oh, it's killing me. You know I can barely breathe. Just like a crow chasing a butterfly..." -Shinedown

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Little Pieces of Home

It's not hard to realize that I'm from a very different place than where I live now. I grew up on the Eastern Shore of Virginia. There are only about 13 traffic lights from the Maryland state line to the Bay Bridge Tunnel and just now are they getting a Walmart. No Starbucks, no malls, no traffic, no buildings over four stories high (including the hospital). It's quiet, simple and underdeveloped at home. I grew up on 12 acres of field and woods with a creek that winds through my backyard and to the Chesapeake Bay. The home I lived in is well over 100 years old and three stories high. I know I could never live on the Shore again before retirement and be successful as there are no colleges to teach at. But I do now miss it. In high school I was so ready to be gone. It was boring to me then and everyone knew everyone's business. Those of you from small towns know exactly what I mean. But after undergrad, and now after graduate school I am starting to miss home. There is a stillness on the Shore that is lost up here in NOVA. Don't get me wrong, I do like it up here... but it's not the same. Everyone has places to go and things to do. I drive through 13+ traffic lights just to get to GMU. I can't even count the number I drive through to go to Woodbridge. I don't know my neighbors and I have no backyard. Home is a third story apartment that backs a drainage pond that I like to call a "lake." It's busy and prosperous and there are Starbucks as far as the eye can see. And I like it. I do. But sometimes, I ache for the quiet. I want to see familiar faces in my neighborhood.

This has often been my issue with being out here. It is so incredibly different. But then again, it isn't different at all. On days like today I can see little pieces of home peek through the facade of industry and progress. So today I drove home from Woodbridge and I took the back way through Old Clifton (about a 45 minute drive). A student from class recognized me on the drive and waved emphatically at me. It made me smile to see a familiar face for once. After getting further away from the traffic near DC, I made my way to the back roads. The back way cuts out lights and multiple lanes of pavement. It's a two lane, 40mph bumpy, windy road. There are FIELDS back there, and horses... annnnd 1.8 million dollar homes, but beggars can't be choosers. I can smell honeysuckle bushes along the ditches. It was glorious! I turned the AC in the Jeep off and cranked the windows down. I put some old Breaking Benjamin in the cd player and turned it up as loud as I could stand it! To top off the drive, I sipped on a $1.05 sweet tea from McD's. It was quiet and still... aside from Ben Burnley screaming through my speakers. ;) When I got home and got out of the Jeep, a breeze blew by me and rustled the few cherry blossom and dogwood trees in my complex. Petals flew all over the place and the perfume they made was heavenly.

I decided to take a second before going in and hopped up onto the burning hot hood of the Jeep. I laid back for a minute and just listened to the trees and felt 90 degrees burn into my pasty pale skin. Of course it wasn't like my old house where I could hear the sounds of the Bay and seagulls squawking. I heard a far off ambulance, kids hopping off a school bus, and some lame guy in his modified Honda Civic trying desperately to look "badass" in his "sports car." That's a post for a different day. But comparatively, it was quiet. It was still. Most everyone else is still at work so the parking lot is not full of cars for once. The sound of a very large motor made me open my eyes and hop off the Jeep. Driving by was a good ole' southern boy driving a jacked up 1990's Chevy Blazer with some rather large Micky Thompson tires. :) He tipped his camo hat at me and kept driving. The day was now complete. I saw a bonafide redneck up here and he politely said hello to me; a complete stranger. I grabbed my stuff and trudged up the stairs to my apartment where my cat was sitting by the door waiting for me just like my old cat Cleo used to at home on the Shore. Unlike here, I'd never lock the door behind me. But regardless of the differences: the people, the scenery, the animals, the sounds... it still has pieces that make me feel like I'm not so far away from home. And on days like today, it is almost perfect.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Anyone out there?!

So who actually reads this blog? I'm curious to know. If you do read regularly would you "follow" the blog for me? I'd hate to think that the same three people that hear me bitch about life all the time are the only three reading this shindig. So if you are out there, let me know. Leave a comment or something. :)

I'll have more updates this week, but right now there is a chicken parm sub that is screaming my name. I must answer the call. ;)


Monday, March 22, 2010

I was only looking for the shortcut home

It feels like Spring again. I'm amazed at how warm it is right now considering the first official day of Spring was only yesterday. But I'll certainly take it. My mood tends to improve as the weather does. I stood out on my balcony last night and watched the sunset while listening to my favorite Lifehouse songs. It was as peaceful as I've seen up here in NOVA. Not silent, but peaceful. I've been hearing optimism escape my lips lately and it doesn't taste as bitter anymore.

Life is about to get very busy again, but I'm welcoming it! Most of the things I am doing in the upcoming months are going to be fun and needed. A few concerts are lined up, as well as Orioles games, two weddings in Florida and a few extra days in the Keys to catch up on some R&R. I'm also hoping that Dad and Joan visit soon for the cherry blossoms. Mom is coming up to visit my sister in PA next week, so I'm going to try to make a trip up to see them. My family has been having a rough go of it lately, so I am thinking of them often. Mom is dealing with a possibly serious diagnosis so if you would, keep her in your prayers. My sister is having a hard time job scouting in this economy, and poor Joan is swamped with work that others should probably be handling. My father is of course carrying loads of stress around with him but always with a shit-eating grin on his face. I swear he is my hero. lol. I do wish I could be more like him.

Regardless of the stress and drama, I can see things looking up. I still don't know where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I know I'll at least be working towards a goal. It may be further off than I would like, but honestly that'll only make it sweeter when it is reached. And it certainly will be. All of our goals will be met in some form... even if it's not the way we expect them to arrive.

We make plans and set deadlines and sometimes they just pass us by. Other times they are taken from us or changed without our permission. Pouting about it or sobbing over the speed bumps won't help any (trust me, I did that already as you all are well aware). What truly counts is how you adjust your course and regain your bearings. I'm looking forward to that honestly. Life is constantly changing around me (and I mean more than education/job stuff). And some of it I might not see as a positive addition to my existence... but at some point it will become just that. It's just fighting to get there.

On the other hand we also have to know when to just let something go. I'm soo bad at this. I'm always clinging onto dead dreams and relationships that are unable to be revived. It's a curse of mine... but I do know I'm not the only one. So often we want to believe that people can change or that they'll become the person we know they can be. Other times we see them become that person with our help, only to be shunned and forgotten in the end. How can we let go? Of course I'm speaking personally, but I say "we" because I know at least a few of you reading this can relate. There are still songs I can't play and places I can't visit without painful reminders of what was and will never be again. I've gotta find that way to let it (or them) go.

I'm hopeful though, that someday I can look back on all these things and feel no spite, no hurt, or perhaps just nothing at all.

"Too long we've been denying. Now we're both tired of trying. We hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing left to relive... it's water under the bridge. You said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is" - Lifehouse


Sunday, March 14, 2010

Beware the Ides of March

Well today is March 15th, "Idus Martias" or the "Ides of March." I'm still not entirely sure why I am so enraptured with this day. Thus far in my existence nothing spectacular has happened on March 15th, but I like it all the same. It does seem to have an eerie way about it... poor Julius. For those who are unfamiliar, the Ides of March is when Julius Caesar was murdered in 44 B.C. "Et tu Brute..."

Betrayal. Haven't we all had a taste of it? A lover scorned, a trust broken, loyalty let down, a friend banished,a broken heart... we all have dealt with some form of betrayal in our lives. I suppose the more important thing to focus on is how we have managed it since. Poor Caesar didn't stand a chance. Though anyone reading this has not been murdered by their friends or loved ones (otherwise how are you reading this? Does heaven get free wi-fi?) we all have had a part of us "die" following a betrayal.

Three things come to mind when I think of betrayal in my life. A trust broken by someone I should never have naively trusted which resulted in my own physical pain and emotional crumbling... a lie and a cheat that I gave my heart to only to have it shattered in a cruel, heartless way... and finally an old friend that tossed my loyalty away for a cheap thrill. I'm not here to discuss these in detail. Those closest to me know exactly what I am speaking of and that is fine.

Consider your own betrayals, though. How have you managed them? To me it takes time and perhaps you can forgive, or perhaps not depending on circumstance... but I can never forget. Caesar I'm sure in his last moments whilst surrounded by senators thought about trust lost. Isn't that what stings? We trust and then have that trust snubbed out. And my God, how hard is it to gain back!? I believe that of my betrayals, which are more than the three I mentioned, trust is the hardest part for me to manage. Trust is the part of me that "dies" after a betrayal. I have a very hard time trusting anyone or anything without trepidation. Am I alone in that?

So it's the Ides of March. I've been away from work for a week. A week to unwind. A week to process. To deal. To get a handle on how my life constantly ebbs and flows. And today I go back to the familiar. But will it be different? How will the Ides treat me today? Life is what you make it (or so I hear), so perhaps I need to make the change instead of watch it surround me. Today may be a memorial of betrayal and trust broken, but perhaps it is just a good time for me now to push forward. Karma will catch up to all of us, so why do I worry? Why do I care so much for things that don't matter in the end? Is it human nature or a form of self-punishment? :)

Caesar was far from perfect as am I... most certainly. However, when it comes down to it don't let your betrayals kill you. Look past them and find something worth fighting for. How tragic is it to give up?

"καὶ σύ, τέκνον?"


Saturday, March 13, 2010

I Danced Anyway

Have you ever had a dream that you woke up from and had to check yourself in the mirror to be sure that it didn't actually exist? I woke up from what should have been an absolutely horrifying dream with an acute sense of calm and determination. I dreamed I was a professor with a class full of students who are my current friends/acquaintances (Kristen, LaKesha, Paula, Brian M., Matt M., Cora etc). On the way home from work I got into a horrific car accident. Resulting from it I had to have my left arm amputated above the elbow and my left leg amputated above the knee. Of course I was knocked into a coma when the doctors did all this to me, so as you can imagine, I woke up and FLIPPED out!

I did the whole mourning the loss of my limbs thing and felt anguished that I couldn't run anymore (... cause you know I run sooo much now lol). Then I got fitted with a painful but realistic mannequin looking prosthetic and went back to teaching. Sadly all my students treated me like I was a bit freakish and untouchable. At the end of the class after a miserable day because my leg prosthetic was killing me, I played "Moonlight Sonata" on my computer and just stood in the middle of the room. A student who had left returned and saw me just standing with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face. He asked me to dance. My leg hurt and my arm felt numb, but I accepted. He treated me like a whole human. It hurt like hell, but I danced anyway, because at least I could feel compassion. Then I woke up, tore the covers off and grabbed my leg to be sure it was a dream.


Sorry, I had to share that with someone. Okay so life: Umm... I took a break from posting as you can see, so I have some catching up to do. I've started getting rejections from PhD programs. I only have two options left and neither of which make me feel super excited. I DID however just apply for a full-time faculty spot at a community college and I actually really would love to get it. At that point I'd focus my attention to looking at EdD and PhDs in Higher Education. I might have a better shot there. I need to make myself look good on paper... which might prove very difficult. Those godforsaken GRE scores aren't getting any higher and I realize I'm not a good scholarly writer. But I want to be better. Anyway, that's that.

Regardless, I'm trying to stay object45rereq <---- I'm leaving that on there because Ariella just plopped on top of my keyboard because the laptop is warm. LoL. As I was saying - I want to stay objective and not get personally offended by any rejections. It's just hard not to feel the sting. Oh good, now Arie is laying on top of my hands on the laptop. I'm typing this beneath fluffy fat rolls lol.

So anyway, that's where we are now. Life isn't bad, it's just super bumpy. Kinda reminds me of the roads up here in NoVa. LoL. I don't want this blog to be super depressing all the time, but I'm sure it will have its moments so be as understanding as possible. :)

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Chill

Literal and figurative...

It's late January. All of my PhD applications are complete and submitted. I am teaching five college classes at two schools this semester. I've made a big decision not to take any graduate classes this Spring. I'm waiting. Somewhat patiently mind you. I think I have gotten to a point finally where a calm has come over me. I can't change anything at this point. Whatever the decision I will have to accommodate to it. Something is sure to happen one way or another.

I'd love to stay here. To keep my roots planted and work with the people I have wanted to for a while now. But it might not work out that way. If I get in elsewhere then I'll end up in North Carolina, New York, Pennsylvania or elsewhere in Virginia. If I don't get in anywhere I'll probably still move. I'd have to save face after two years of rejection in a row. I have some dignity left lol.

I'm trying something new this time around though. I'm working on that "positive thinking" thing. So far it hasn't been too bad. I think my mood has improved greatly, which comes at a good time being that my roomie is having a rougher go of it. If I wasn't trying this then I fear we would both be useless to the greater good. I'm also attempting to let go of things. I need to de-clutter. I got a new desk... and by that I mean it's about 100 years old, but it's new to me. And it forced me to throw crap away. My room is next. :)

It's a new year. And as such it's time for me to try something new. Not even a resolution per say. But just a new way of looking at my life.

It's cold outside. But not for too much longer.