Sunday, March 14, 2010

Beware the Ides of March

Well today is March 15th, "Idus Martias" or the "Ides of March." I'm still not entirely sure why I am so enraptured with this day. Thus far in my existence nothing spectacular has happened on March 15th, but I like it all the same. It does seem to have an eerie way about it... poor Julius. For those who are unfamiliar, the Ides of March is when Julius Caesar was murdered in 44 B.C. "Et tu Brute..."

Betrayal. Haven't we all had a taste of it? A lover scorned, a trust broken, loyalty let down, a friend banished,a broken heart... we all have dealt with some form of betrayal in our lives. I suppose the more important thing to focus on is how we have managed it since. Poor Caesar didn't stand a chance. Though anyone reading this has not been murdered by their friends or loved ones (otherwise how are you reading this? Does heaven get free wi-fi?) we all have had a part of us "die" following a betrayal.

Three things come to mind when I think of betrayal in my life. A trust broken by someone I should never have naively trusted which resulted in my own physical pain and emotional crumbling... a lie and a cheat that I gave my heart to only to have it shattered in a cruel, heartless way... and finally an old friend that tossed my loyalty away for a cheap thrill. I'm not here to discuss these in detail. Those closest to me know exactly what I am speaking of and that is fine.

Consider your own betrayals, though. How have you managed them? To me it takes time and perhaps you can forgive, or perhaps not depending on circumstance... but I can never forget. Caesar I'm sure in his last moments whilst surrounded by senators thought about trust lost. Isn't that what stings? We trust and then have that trust snubbed out. And my God, how hard is it to gain back!? I believe that of my betrayals, which are more than the three I mentioned, trust is the hardest part for me to manage. Trust is the part of me that "dies" after a betrayal. I have a very hard time trusting anyone or anything without trepidation. Am I alone in that?

So it's the Ides of March. I've been away from work for a week. A week to unwind. A week to process. To deal. To get a handle on how my life constantly ebbs and flows. And today I go back to the familiar. But will it be different? How will the Ides treat me today? Life is what you make it (or so I hear), so perhaps I need to make the change instead of watch it surround me. Today may be a memorial of betrayal and trust broken, but perhaps it is just a good time for me now to push forward. Karma will catch up to all of us, so why do I worry? Why do I care so much for things that don't matter in the end? Is it human nature or a form of self-punishment? :)

Caesar was far from perfect as am I... most certainly. However, when it comes down to it don't let your betrayals kill you. Look past them and find something worth fighting for. How tragic is it to give up?

"καὶ σύ, τέκνον?"


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