Tuesday, November 16, 2010
... They're Right In Front of You.
I didn't think that was true for me. I hoped and prayed and cried and screamed and questioned everything. But I didn't see it in front of me. However, right now, sitting in my lap is a letter. It has my name on it. It has the words "Congratulations" as the opening greeting. And it has the words that I have hoped to hear for years now. My goals for the future have included being a doctoral student and one day having a PhD hanging on my office wall. However, after years of rejections and naysayers and sympathetic looks, I was starting to feel like I was maybe heading in the wrong direction. Maybe someone was telling me that this was not what I was cut out for. But I was lucky in that my support groups were amazing. They wouldn't let me bury myself in pity and shame.
And now here I am. I sat in my Jeep today in the rain on the side of the road with a small envelope addressed to me gripped in my shaking hands. I was already crying because I was sure it was another rejection letter. I whispered "No, no. Please God not again" as my wipers creaked and groaned over the steady shower. My favorite song on the radio played softly in the background, but I couldn't hear it. I didn't want to look, but I had to get it over with. I braced myself for an overwhelming feeling of defeat. However, when I opened it and read the first words... "Congratulations..." I broke down sobbing and hyperventilating. I couldn't believe it was real. When you expect to be let down time after time, a victory is unbelievable.
So now it begins. A new chapter. A chapter I have hoped and prayed for. One that my closest friends have hoped for me and my parents had been sure would appear in time. The call was already made and forms signed. I am a PhD student for George Mason University's Department of Higher Education program. I am getting my PhD. And I am determined to be a diligent and motivated student. I am not going to take this opportunity for granted. All I wanted was a chance for someone to see in me what I hope for myself. That I can do this, and I can do this well. I am NOT going to let them down. I am NOT going to let anyone I love or anyone who has continued to fight and believe in me, down.
"No matter who you are. No matter where you're from... every one deserves a second chance." - Brent Smith
All my Love,
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I'm not crazy. I'm not. I promise. "Crazy" runs rampant in my family but I haven't caught the virus yet. I will, I'm sure. But let's not be hasty here.
I'm flawed beyond believe. I'm constantly questioning and worrying and sad. I already realize this.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this... maybe just the sad realization that regardless of the progress I make, I will always be weighed down by my past and my lack of confidence. I never take the advice that I give my students. You can fake confidence. You can. I can't. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Probably because the people closest to me can read me like an open book. So if I fake it I'm called out. If I'm silent I'm called out. When I'm fine it's not noticed. So it's assumed I'm always unhappy. I'm not. But it does influence my choices and my hesitations.
I guess what I'm saying is... I'm trying. I can't just "get over it" though.
This is who I am for now. Hopefully not forever. But for now... this is me.