Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Failure

I am a failure.

I spent 2 hours this morning searching online for quotes about failure and how to overcome, but none of them worked for me. It's either "pick yourself back up," "Everyone fails, it's how you deal with it" or "those who failed have not tried hard enough." This leads me to the mere conclusion that I am, in fact, a failure. I get the whole "when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, but I feel as though all the lemonade has lead to an ulcer.

I don't feel awesome as much as my friends are trying to make me believe it... I get rejected from the PhD program, I have two weeks left with my students and then I probably won't get to teach for God knows how long, I got rejected from TWO jobs this week and now I have to face all my peers and professors until I write my thesis and "HOPEFULLY" graduate. The whole time I wonder what they are really thinking about me. I wonder if they are assuming that I'm not worthy of future success, or that perhaps I'm getting what I deserve. She can't hack it. She doesn't belong here. Or worse, she's not one of us anymore.

I'm losing all desire to work on my research, which is KILLING me because it's good stuff. But who cares? I'll probably end up working at a grocery store for the next year until I can get rejected again. I know I never have handled rejection well, but this surely is supreme rejection. This is every dream I've had for the past 6 years (at least) and I just watched them get yanked from me. But instead of turning around and walking away with my head held high, I have to look everyone in the eye who met behind closed doors and decided my fate. I have to smile at them like it doesn't feel like a thousand knives being twisted in my chest because I know that when they look at me, they see someone that they didn't want here. Someone that didn't quite make the cut. I can't blame them.

I am the image of a girl who is not good enough. And once again, I have to agree.