Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fall Again

I can hear the rain outside. I can't see it but I can hear it. I'm bundled up in bed with a fortress of pillows around me. I don't want to move yet. It's a shame... the tree outside was turning bright yellow the other day. It was soo pretty. The wind and rain just blew most of the leaves off into the clouds. It's Fall again.

It's around this time that I start thinking about New Years. What will I change next year? What will be better? What will happen to me? Every year, I have so much hope that it will be better than the last. And sometimes it is. I am fearful this year though. If things do not get better than this year then I'm not sure how I will proceed. But at least I know I will. Regardless I will proceed forward. Isn't that what we do?

I have the flu. I think. I have something. Something that is preventing me from wanting to move from this spot. I'm fine with that. Time seems to slow down for me when I can rest in bed. But as soon as I get up I can't catch up.

How do I catch up?


Saturday, October 24, 2009

Rain + No Sunshine

= Meg staying in bed FARRR too long on a Saturday when things need to be done!! I've figured out that I am soo tired from the week that my bed is my sanctuary. Why the hell would I want to leave something so warm and cozy? The evil, busy, raining world is outside of this thing. I'm disinclined to move.

I promise I'm not a slacker. I honestly have been so busy lately I've forgotten I even own a blog. My handwritten journal is much worse. The last entry in that is me crying over not getting into the PhD program (there's actual watermarks on the page... how pathetic).

So anyway I guess it's time for massive life updates....
I never did end up with a "job" job. I applied to 105 places total and have given up. Right now I am teaching two University of Phoenix classes, which are good but quite time consuming and don't pay crap. I am teaching two COMM 101 classes at Mason (yay adjunct means faculty parking!). I am also grading as a teaching assistant for another professor who teaches COMM 454- Free Speech and Ethics... also time consuming. I'm selling Avon products on the side. And FINALLY I clean houses when I get random offers to do so (but I do Scott/Sonia's once a week). So that's how I'm making money. And it's still very rough going, but I'm making rent payments so I see that as a positive!

On top of that I'm enrolled at Mason non-degree (meaning I don't belong to any one program) to take grad level classes. I'm hoping that if, God willing, I get into PhD this year, I can transfer them in. So I'm still in two classes with my WONDERFUL friends, who have been so patient with me this year.

I'm still very much afraid, but not as openly as before. I still get upset a bunch, and feel like I'm missing out on something I really want, but I'm still trying. I'll re-take those God forsaken GREs soon and go from there. The issue now is I'm soo busy balancing jobs that I have very little time for research! Go figure.

I can't believe how much I have to do. It's 12:45 and I'm in bed writing this while its pouring outside and Ari-cat is laying on part of my keyboard (cuz it's warm). Not to mention the apartment looks like a tornado blew through it. I'm just too tired to clean! Hahaha.

Ok this is getting sad... let me think of something nice...
I'm gonna make steak and eggs when I get up out of the left over London Broil I cooked K and me this week. :) Yay! Also, I just got back from Chicago a few weeks ago to visit Joe-face. It was a VERY nice break away and the sun even came out.

Plus I found a new "fast food" place I love but they don't have here. Culvers. Omnomnom. Sooo good!

Ok Ari has taken over the whole laptop with her fat roll so I'm gonna log off and get goin!
Let's see if I can remember to updae now.... (Doubtful).


Monday, June 29, 2009

The Road Not Taken

I've come to realize that I live in a sea of regret. I hate that about myself, and I truly wish I could change it. And I'm constantly crawling... the proof is under the bandages on my knees from softball.

I get to the point of wondering how things would be for me if I had made some different decisions. If I had gone down the road not taken. Been a little different. What would I be like? Where would I live? Who would I be with? Who would I stay friends with and who would I have lost? It's a very interesting exercise in reflection... something I usually try to avoid. But still, I wonder, who could I be today?

I'm still hopeful for good things to happen soon, and things are still starting to look more optimistic. Sadly though, I keep having dreams that back in April I had received better news, and that I would be on the road to a PhD right now, and not unemployed and scrounging for some semblance of a future. I wish I knew which path I could take next... and already see what's at the end of it...

Monday, June 15, 2009


I'm on the verge of having good things happen. If you pray, pray. If you just wish good things, wish good things.

I really could use some good news soon. I need some positive things to start happening again. So far, so good. I got a job with the University of Phoenix Online as an online instructor of Communication. I start training for that soon! :)

Otherwise I'm still silently hoping that something opens up in the PhD program for me, and that a job at Mason happens. I am still beating myself up over the one person there that doesn't seem to like me much. I really wish I knew why or what I've done. I worry they think that I can't hack it, or that I'm not deserving of a PhD. Or that maybe I'm just not a good human being... either way it sucks because I respect them a lot. And I thought that they at least supported me staying there. I don't know. :( I'd like to ask them about it, but I'm scared of what they'll say.

Either way... I hope something good happens soon. I could use it.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

A Failure

I am a failure.

I spent 2 hours this morning searching online for quotes about failure and how to overcome, but none of them worked for me. It's either "pick yourself back up," "Everyone fails, it's how you deal with it" or "those who failed have not tried hard enough." This leads me to the mere conclusion that I am, in fact, a failure. I get the whole "when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, but I feel as though all the lemonade has lead to an ulcer.

I don't feel awesome as much as my friends are trying to make me believe it... I get rejected from the PhD program, I have two weeks left with my students and then I probably won't get to teach for God knows how long, I got rejected from TWO jobs this week and now I have to face all my peers and professors until I write my thesis and "HOPEFULLY" graduate. The whole time I wonder what they are really thinking about me. I wonder if they are assuming that I'm not worthy of future success, or that perhaps I'm getting what I deserve. She can't hack it. She doesn't belong here. Or worse, she's not one of us anymore.

I'm losing all desire to work on my research, which is KILLING me because it's good stuff. But who cares? I'll probably end up working at a grocery store for the next year until I can get rejected again. I know I never have handled rejection well, but this surely is supreme rejection. This is every dream I've had for the past 6 years (at least) and I just watched them get yanked from me. But instead of turning around and walking away with my head held high, I have to look everyone in the eye who met behind closed doors and decided my fate. I have to smile at them like it doesn't feel like a thousand knives being twisted in my chest because I know that when they look at me, they see someone that they didn't want here. Someone that didn't quite make the cut. I can't blame them.

I am the image of a girl who is not good enough. And once again, I have to agree.