Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Just a Little Unwell
I'm not crazy. I'm not. I promise. "Crazy" runs rampant in my family but I haven't caught the virus yet. I will, I'm sure. But let's not be hasty here.
I'm flawed beyond believe. I'm constantly questioning and worrying and sad. I already realize this.
I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this... maybe just the sad realization that regardless of the progress I make, I will always be weighed down by my past and my lack of confidence. I never take the advice that I give my students. You can fake confidence. You can. I can't. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Probably because the people closest to me can read me like an open book. So if I fake it I'm called out. If I'm silent I'm called out. When I'm fine it's not noticed. So it's assumed I'm always unhappy. I'm not. But it does influence my choices and my hesitations.
I guess what I'm saying is... I'm trying. I can't just "get over it" though.
This is who I am for now. Hopefully not forever. But for now... this is me.