Thursday, July 15, 2010
I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired, I'm restless and I feel like I'm falling without any form of safety net. And no, it's not exciting or new. It's scary and familiar. The constant feeling of falling. Falling short, falling away, falling off, falling out. It's old and tired... sorta like the way I feel as of late. So many people to disappoint including myself. Especially myself. So many things to lose... jobs, opportunities, money, friends, loved ones, time. There was a song I was listening to the other day that I kinda thought "huh, that's about right." It was about being on the outside of yourself and just watching the drama unfold. And before anyone asks "What's wrong Meg?" please know that this is just an overall state of being. It's from a series of tiffs with people, bad news (mostly job wise) and a financial crisis that I haven't made my way out of. It's kind of like drowning in air.
Everything in life is moving right along. And for the most part I feel like a member of society. I have my health for the most part. I have a great group of friends (who I piss off frequently <3 ), I have a loving family and I have a job that I love. However, I am the master of none. I don't control my emotions and I have a bitch of a time getting a handle on responsibilities of my own. It's hot and loud and crowded here. This is not a pity party. Trust me, I am sick of people thinking that I am never happy or never satisfied. It's simply not true. I love my life. But I can't handle my life efficiently. I'm working on it. Everything about me that you see is a work in progress. Please see that I am trying to be a good person. A success. A dependable friend. A caring individual. An intelligent and successful 20-something just attempting to make it here. I'm tired of having to ask for help. Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I just be settled already? I'm just so tired.
The thing that triggered this was that I scraped up money from under the seat of my Jeep (not kidding) so I could get a cheeseburger today. I paid in pennies, nickels and 2 quarters. I couldn't afford a drink. I got home and settled in and sank my teeth into it. It was glorious. Ten minutes later I was hurling it all up. What a waste of the last bit of money and leaf particles I could scrounge up. And now I'm hungry again. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be that pathetic girl in the McDonald's parking lot digging through her backseat cushions for the last 5 cents to pay Virginia sales tax. That's not what a college professor should do. It's like being a teenager again... except with lots more bills and no family to run home to and cry about it. The absolute worst part of this aside from hurling my dinner was that afterward I felt like poo but I had promised a very good friend that I would go see her today. But I don't have enough gas to go meet her. I didn't feel well and that WAS the main reason for my postponing, but I was also worried I just would break down on the side of the road. I can't afford gas. And she's leaving for good soon. I'm so tired. :(