Saturday, March 13, 2010

I Danced Anyway


Have you ever had a dream that you woke up from and had to check yourself in the mirror to be sure that it didn't actually exist? I woke up from what should have been an absolutely horrifying dream with an acute sense of calm and determination. I dreamed I was a professor with a class full of students who are my current friends/acquaintances (Kristen, LaKesha, Paula, Brian M., Matt M., Cora etc). On the way home from work I got into a horrific car accident. Resulting from it I had to have my left arm amputated above the elbow and my left leg amputated above the knee. Of course I was knocked into a coma when the doctors did all this to me, so as you can imagine, I woke up and FLIPPED out!

I did the whole mourning the loss of my limbs thing and felt anguished that I couldn't run anymore (... cause you know I run sooo much now lol). Then I got fitted with a painful but realistic mannequin looking prosthetic and went back to teaching. Sadly all my students treated me like I was a bit freakish and untouchable. At the end of the class after a miserable day because my leg prosthetic was killing me, I played "Moonlight Sonata" on my computer and just stood in the middle of the room. A student who had left returned and saw me just standing with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face. He asked me to dance. My leg hurt and my arm felt numb, but I accepted. He treated me like a whole human. It hurt like hell, but I danced anyway, because at least I could feel compassion. Then I woke up, tore the covers off and grabbed my leg to be sure it was a dream.

******

Sorry, I had to share that with someone. Okay so life: Umm... I took a break from posting as you can see, so I have some catching up to do. I've started getting rejections from PhD programs. I only have two options left and neither of which make me feel super excited. I DID however just apply for a full-time faculty spot at a community college and I actually really would love to get it. At that point I'd focus my attention to looking at EdD and PhDs in Higher Education. I might have a better shot there. I need to make myself look good on paper... which might prove very difficult. Those godforsaken GRE scores aren't getting any higher and I realize I'm not a good scholarly writer. But I want to be better. Anyway, that's that.

Regardless, I'm trying to stay object45rereq <---- I'm leaving that on there because Ariella just plopped on top of my keyboard because the laptop is warm. LoL. As I was saying - I want to stay objective and not get personally offended by any rejections. It's just hard not to feel the sting. Oh good, now Arie is laying on top of my hands on the laptop. I'm typing this beneath fluffy fat rolls lol.

So anyway, that's where we are now. Life isn't bad, it's just super bumpy. Kinda reminds me of the roads up here in NoVa. LoL. I don't want this blog to be super depressing all the time, but I'm sure it will have its moments so be as understanding as possible. :)

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

2 comments:

LaKesha said...

That is a horrific dream. Like terrible. But, I'm glad you danced. I think it shows something about your character. I haven't decided if it's good or bad, but I'm leaning towards good since I'm not a shrink. I decided that a shrink would tell me I have daddy issues, haha.

Much luck with the NVCC job. I think you have a good shot, love.

PKB said...

Very interesting dream. I never could get a very good handle on what dreams mean...but how interesting it sounds!!! I think the awesome part was that you DID dance. Which was inspiring...

And speaking of inspiration, I am always inspired by your determination. And I truly believe everything will come about just as it should for you...