Monday, March 22, 2010

I was only looking for the shortcut home

It feels like Spring again. I'm amazed at how warm it is right now considering the first official day of Spring was only yesterday. But I'll certainly take it. My mood tends to improve as the weather does. I stood out on my balcony last night and watched the sunset while listening to my favorite Lifehouse songs. It was as peaceful as I've seen up here in NOVA. Not silent, but peaceful. I've been hearing optimism escape my lips lately and it doesn't taste as bitter anymore.

Life is about to get very busy again, but I'm welcoming it! Most of the things I am doing in the upcoming months are going to be fun and needed. A few concerts are lined up, as well as Orioles games, two weddings in Florida and a few extra days in the Keys to catch up on some R&R. I'm also hoping that Dad and Joan visit soon for the cherry blossoms. Mom is coming up to visit my sister in PA next week, so I'm going to try to make a trip up to see them. My family has been having a rough go of it lately, so I am thinking of them often. Mom is dealing with a possibly serious diagnosis so if you would, keep her in your prayers. My sister is having a hard time job scouting in this economy, and poor Joan is swamped with work that others should probably be handling. My father is of course carrying loads of stress around with him but always with a shit-eating grin on his face. I swear he is my hero. lol. I do wish I could be more like him.

Regardless of the stress and drama, I can see things looking up. I still don't know where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I know I'll at least be working towards a goal. It may be further off than I would like, but honestly that'll only make it sweeter when it is reached. And it certainly will be. All of our goals will be met in some form... even if it's not the way we expect them to arrive.

We make plans and set deadlines and sometimes they just pass us by. Other times they are taken from us or changed without our permission. Pouting about it or sobbing over the speed bumps won't help any (trust me, I did that already as you all are well aware). What truly counts is how you adjust your course and regain your bearings. I'm looking forward to that honestly. Life is constantly changing around me (and I mean more than education/job stuff). And some of it I might not see as a positive addition to my existence... but at some point it will become just that. It's just fighting to get there.

On the other hand we also have to know when to just let something go. I'm soo bad at this. I'm always clinging onto dead dreams and relationships that are unable to be revived. It's a curse of mine... but I do know I'm not the only one. So often we want to believe that people can change or that they'll become the person we know they can be. Other times we see them become that person with our help, only to be shunned and forgotten in the end. How can we let go? Of course I'm speaking personally, but I say "we" because I know at least a few of you reading this can relate. There are still songs I can't play and places I can't visit without painful reminders of what was and will never be again. I've gotta find that way to let it (or them) go.

I'm hopeful though, that someday I can look back on all these things and feel no spite, no hurt, or perhaps just nothing at all.

"Too long we've been denying. Now we're both tired of trying. We hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing left to relive... it's water under the bridge. You said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is" - Lifehouse


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