Friday, March 25, 2016

Please Step Back and Allow the Doors to Close (A Year in the City)

Well this one was interesting to say the least!

I'd like to preface this story by saying I TRIED to be early to work all week and fate was not having it...

Wednesday  morning and I was riding high! I got my coffee on point, got the puppy situated and got ready in record time. Out the door to the Reston metro! It was like the seas parted and all traffic on 28 just disappeared. I ended up getting to the station 30 minutes early and got a prime parking spot. Little miracles, right?

So I get downtown to Metro Center and switch to the Red Line for the last two stops of my commute. I could practically smell the Panera bagels from here! We pile into the car and set off into the tunnel. Not too long in, the train came to a screeching halt, knocking us about.

For quite a while no one popped onto the loudspeaker. Finally, the female train operator in a calm but shaky tone said, "one of the doors on the train is not fully closed. If this is a door by you please help  me close it so the train can move forward." Naturally, we all started looking around. I was a the far end of the second to last car. Behind me at the other end I can see a door partially open on the left side. And everyone was just staring at it like it was a roach on the wall. Silent horror. Yet, no one around it attempted to close it. Once again the operator came on asking for help closing the door. She didn't know which one it was. "This train cannot and will not move until all the doors are closed!"

Nothing happened. I debate pushing through the packed car to the door, but chicken out. I'd be the ONE person who tries to help and falls out onto the third rail, turning themselves into a human piece of bacon.

So after a few minutes of silence, I catch sight of the train operator. The poor woman was having to walk through the pile of people in each car, checking every. single. door on her way through. She finally gets into our car and heads for the failed door. It only took a minute or two for the small, robust woman to yank the door closed. I could hear passengers snicker about how ridiculous this was. Which of course made me want to haul back and slap them. It wasn't her fault that the cars are as old as the Concord's first flight (40 years, for those wondering). I now regret not trying to get to the door.

She sighed and moved back through each car. After a few more minutes we started moving again. The whole event took about 30 minutes. We crawl our way to Farragut North and as expected, the train was placed out of service and we all had to disembark.

Begrudgingly, we filed out and stood on the already crowded platform, waiting for the disabled train to limp away and the next one (full of people) to arrive, so we could fight for a spot.

It's at this point that I notice a younger guy who was in the car next to me sort of staring at me.
Internally: Oh great, he's fat gawking. Oh shit, are my boobs falling out? Nope. Do I have food on my face? I haven't eaten yet today. Oooh, bagels. WHY IS HE STARING?!
Externally: "What a mess."  I look away in hopes that he saw he was being a little creepy. Nope. Didn't work.

"Sooo... you going far?" he asked with a smile.
"Nope. Just to the next station. Dupont."
"Oh, well you look important. Do you work for a law firm?"
"HA! Nope. Research organization," I snorted and looked back into the disabled car.

It's at this point that I see a guy shout "This is bullshit!" and run back into the disabled train car. Like he was actually going to go somewhere. I rolled my eyes. About two seconds later, Metro PD came and pulled the guy out. It's about this time, some older lady standing near them on the platform slumps down to the ground. She probably panicked with the stuff that happened in Brussels, and now some douchebag is making a scene while we are all trapped.

A few minutes later, a group of EMTs shows up, even though she is back on her feet and reassuring all that she was fine. During this time, Rico Suave' is still chatting me up. It's now that it dawns on me... "Holy shit, he's hitting on me. NOW!?" 

"I'm Javier by the way." He reaches for a handshake.

"Hi. Meg." I wave awkwardly and politely turn to the guy on my other side and say, "Does the metro board have any ETAs on it?" Internally: SAVE ME DUDE! COME ON!

(This guy is cracking up over Javier's advances, by the way). "Not right now." He looks back down at his phone.

Failure. I sigh and turn back to the broken car, considering running in myself and getting escorted away by Metro PD. At least that's a simple way out of this.

He whips out his business card and in an attempted charismatic gesture, holds it up to me. With a grin, "Here's my card. You are very interesting to talk to. I'd love to keep in touch. Do you  have a card?"

Again, snorting, "Nope. I have 5,000 at work but never any on me." I look away again.

"How about your  number then?"

I crack up laughing. "HA! You are NOT getting my number dude. I don't know you like that." (a bold response coming from me).

It's at this point he whips out his phone and thrusts it into my hands. Add me on Facebook. You can search yourself." (Thanks homie, I know how social media works). "Oh, that's flattering but I have a boyfriend soo..."

"Oh, no worries, I just want to be your friend!"

Internal eye roll*

I see that he's pulled up all the "Megs" on FB and I point to some random girl (sorry random Meg) and say, "There I am! Welp I'm going to walk, this is taking forever. Good luck getting to work!"

As I slink away he calls out "Do you want company?"

"Naw bud, I'm good."

I waddle my fat ass upstairs and outside ASAP.

So much for Panera. I frown. I wander into a CVS and get some food. When I leave to walk to work (now 45 minutes late), I see a wall of tourists just stopped in place on the sidewalk, staring at the road with phones and cameras in hand.

Internally: Great, someone blew up the city. This is how we died. 

I peer over the crowd and spot the Joe Biden parade. By this I mean it's a police motorcade of at least 12 cars/cycles, 4 black sedans, 3 black SUVs and a few straggling police cars. They were hauling ass back to the White House from Dupont. VP Joe probably wanted a donut from Krispy Kreme and took out the whole crew. Must be a fascinating sight for those not used to it. But I was late and needed people to move the FUCK OVER.

Happy Meg disappeared somewhere between Metro Center and Farragut, in the depths of DC Hell.

I finally sneak through the crowd of cherry blossom tourists and get to work. So now I can get the day started...


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