...In With the New

The purge is complete!

I wish I could have done more but I started teaching today so I wanted to have a "final product" by now. The clothing was the biggest and best accomplishment of the week. I donated SEVEN trash bags and have about another half a bag for my sister. :)


Books are going to friends and family as well as the thrift store. I threw away the crap and cleaned and organized.

Everyone was right. It was a cleansing experience (no pun intended). ;)

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and help. :) It was a good thing and I hope to spend more time throughout the semester cleaning, organizing and just simplifying.


Tomorrow is my 25th birthday so expect another post! Probably a deeper, more reflective one on my past quarter of a century. lol.

Meg

Out with the Old...

The time has come... well... it's actually been a long time comin. Anyone who has been to my apartment knows. It's pathetic. I'm on the cusp of being 25 years old and my living space looks similar to an exploded frat house. I'm tired of living like this. I remember a time when I was fairly neat. Now granted, I have ALWAYS been a pack rat. If I bought something I assume that I will use it... why would I get rid of it if I spent my hard earned money on it? The mentality comes from not having a bunch of money growing up and still currently struggling to make ends meat. As such it seems preposterous for me to get rid of my things when I can't afford to replace them. However, I have reached the point of mental break. I cannot come home from work every day to this and feel happy. I don't live like an established adult and it needs to end.

So here is what is going to happen. I have less than a week before the Fall semester starts for me. With it I will be teaching six classes which is ridiculous. However, it is a necessary evil to afford a Northern Virginia lifestyle. So this week will be spent doing the following:


DAY 1
- Clothing Purge
* Parameters: The clothing must fit comfortably on me or be ONE size smaller (I'm still gonna attempt to get back down to 138). Also, if it does not fit comfortably in the dressers or closet it is gone. If it has holes or is faded it goes. If I have not worn it in a year it goes. All clothing that is out will be donated to the Clocktower Thrift in Centreville and any else that may fit my sister will be shipped to her.

- Syllabi x3
* Parameters: Three syllabi will be started today for COMM 100 at GMU. The templates are established so all that changes are dates and a few assignment types. These should be complete by midnight of Day 1

DAY 2
- Book Purge
* Parameters: This is heartbreaking, but I have too many books for the space I live in. As such some need to be purged. If I have duplicates the one in worse shape goes. If they are borrowed (read or not) they are returning to the owner. If I am just not going to get to it and I know it they go. If they are classics that I won't reread for a while or have no space for they will be boxed and sent back to my father's home for storage.

- Syllabi x2
* Parameters: Two syllabi for CST 110 Annandale should be started. They use a new book so I should email office admin about using a different text or getting a copy of the new book. Assignments and dates should be updated and compared to my roommates from the summer (she taught from the new book). Should be complete by Day 3

DAY 3
- Knicknack Purge
* Parameters: Lets face it. I own useless shit. Kitchy shit. And I like it. I do. But I don't have space for all of it. Thus, if it is something I would have liked in high school or undergrad and would NOT have bought now then it goes. If it does not fit my bedroom decor it goes. If it has sincere sentimental value but doesn't fit it will be stored at my father's home. The wall photos will be organized. Complete the concert ticket frame and hang it. If it makes the room look cluttered it's going.

- Syllabi x1
* Parameters: Last syllabi for CST 110 Woodbridge will be updated. A template exists so I'll just update dates and assignments. Should be complete by end of Day 3.

DAY 4
- Bath and Body Purge
* Parameters: In case there was any confusion, I'm a woman. I have moments of girlishness. As such I own far too many bath and body products. It looks Bath and Bodyworks has exploded in my bathroom and extends to my bedroom. If it has not been used in 6 months it goes. If it is expired it goes. If it does not fit comfortably under my sink or on my vanity it goes. I don't need 10 body lotions, 4 shampoos or old face creams that didn't work. Get rid of it. Now! If the makeup is old it goes. If it's a garish color or about to run out it goes.

- Jewelry Purge
* Parameters: I keep things that I don't like. I have crap from exboyfriends I can't stand. It is getting sold. I will collect anything of value that I don't like and sell it. Any costume jewelry that I don't wear normally will go. If any of you want to look at this stuff you are welcome to it. Just post a comment and let me know. All family and sentimental jewelry will be saved and put in my large jewelry case that I DON'T USE! All jewels that I wear weekly will go in ONE jewelry box in my bathroom for normal wear. All other jewelry boxes will be stored or donated.


- Assignment Prep
* Parameters: All assignments/activities for the fall term will be made today and organized. All syllabi and assignment documents will be placed on the computer in ORGANIZED files.

I don't expect my life to be perfectly organized after this, but I do expect to see an 80% improvement from where I am now. I need to change my focus to PhDs and enjoying my life and saving money. I can't do that if I'm constantly surrounded by crap. I'll update at the end of each day to say what has changed and what is left. I think this blog gives me a little responsibility to do this and to do it right. :) Words of support are always helpful and if you are interested in any of my trash, be my guest to make it your treasure. :)

Here goes nothing...

Meg

"riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay..."

The title quote is the opening line of "Finnegan's Wake" by James Joyce written just as so - as if the sentence started before the book because it does. It's a cycle. Never ending...

I wrote the following to Christopher Newport University yesterday upon hearing of the passing of a great mentor and professor to me - Dr. Tracey Schwarze. She lost a very brave battle to cancer. As the few of you who read this like to know what is going on in my life and my head, I will share this bit with you here.

I am writing this with a heavy heart. I am not sure if this is who or where I should send this letter to but I hope it reaches a broader audience than just myself. I had the privilege of being taught by Dr. Schwarze during my tenure at CNU from 2003-2007. She became a mentor to me in the English Department, and pushed me to seek further in higher education. Partly due to her guidance I am seeking out PhD programs, and am currently an adjunct professor at George Mason University.

Dr. Schwarze was more than just another professor to me and to many in my cohort. She was a ball of energy and intellect wrapped up in a spunky professor with a passion for literature and culture. She gave me and a few others a very rare opportunity by taking us to Dublin, Ireland in the Summer of 2005. I recently sat on my apartment patio and realized it was the 5 year anniversary of that trip. Five years ago, Tracey (as she made me call her from that trip forward), my best friend Kristen and I sat on a hotel patio in Dublin and watched the night sky; discussing James Joyce and life in general. That trip had a huge impact on me and it is still something that I talk about frequently. I have never been back to Ireland since, but I can remember every aspect of the journey. From that first day in Ireland, Tracey was determined for all of our group to get the most out of the experience. As such, an hour after landing she had us load our stuff onto a bus and climb up the side of a cliff. I'm not kidding. A cliff. And she just traipsed along with 3" heeled boots without a care in the world and without expelling a heavy breath. As a 20-year-old college student I was gasping and panting and felt like falling off the side of the cliff just so I wouldn't have to continue to the top. But that's really how Tracey approached life. She didn't see the daunting task ahead. Instead she just pushed forward with a smile and a sincere determination... all the while enjoying the scenery. She loved life. The trip to Ireland made that evident. She took us sightseeing and out to eat different cuisine every night. We sat in on her lectures at the James Joyce School and could just feel her passion for her work. It was the trip of a lifetime.



After I graduated in 2007 I kept up with Tracey from time to time and told her about my work in graduate school as a communication student. All the while I continued to write and to read the works of Joyce... keeping her in mind. We lost touch a little over a year ago and honestly I did not know that she had fallen ill. I would imagine though, that she battled her illness with the same determination and forward thinking as that cliff in Howthe, Ireland.

All alumni and current students who had the honor of working with Dr. Schwarze will certainly remember her zeal for teaching and trailblazing. I remember we would sit in the classroom waiting for her to arrive for lecture and we could always hear her coming long before she walked through the doorway. She wore amazing high-heeled shoes that clicked and popped down the halls of Ratcliffe. They were always fast, upbeat steps. She never trudged through life. She took it all in stride.

It is with a heavy heart but a peaceful mind that I send this out. I am certainly happy that Tracey is no longer in any pain and that she is surely in a better place. I hope the good Lord likes Ulysses or at least has read the Cliffs Notes... because if I know anything, she's going up there with a quiz in hand.

All my best,

Megan H. L. Tucker
Christopher Newport University Class of 2007
English-Journalism
Communication Studies


I believe that for Tracey, I'll dust off my copy of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses and give it another whirl. I challenge each of you to do the same if ever you can.



"One by one they were all becoming shades. Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age."
-- Dubliners, "The Dead"

The Story is Just Beginning

Finally some reprieve from the drama of my day to day struggles. I've mentioned the power of concerts before to you... if you don't remember, then scroll down. But to sum it up, the energy of concerts has this magical way of revitalizing me. When things get shitty (and trust me they do) or out of control I take some of it back by going to a show. Not just any show mind you. Bands that I love. Thank God Shinedown just toured here this week and saved my life, again.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, but I seriously haven't smiled that much and felt such a rush in a long time. Not to say my life is so horrible; it isn't. But it did need to get put into perspective again.

So anyway, the show. The Carnival of Madness is the name of the tour and it features 10 Years, Sevendust, Puddle of Mudd, Chevelle and SHINEDOWN!!!!!!! We missed the first two bands because I had to teach in Woodbridge and then got caught on 495 in epic amounts of traffic. My B.

But by the time we got there PoM was starting up. It was an instant sauna. The temp was around 90 but with the 10k fans there all smashed together it felt like 110. Kris and I were doing all we could to not pass out from heat exhaustion. But trust me, it was totally worth it.


A few notes on Shinedown:
Whether or not you listen to this band I feel as though I should give them props separate from their musical ability. First of all, they are the most fan-centric band I've ever seen. Everything they do on tour or on their websites/Twitter etc is for their fan base. They have the innate understanding that we (the "family") control their success. We buy the records and tickets to shows. We join the Nation and request them on the radio. Thus, they give a lot of control to their fans. We even got to submit ideas for the set list (which a few of my choices made it on there. TY BRENT!). Second, they are entertainers. They put on a show worth watching. So even if you don't know all the songs (psh, seriously!?) you can still be thoroughly entranced by their stage presence.




Musically, they are one of my all time favorite bands. It's the type of music I'm into (modern rock like 3 Days Grace, Breaking Benjamin, Crossfade, Seether, Red etc) and there is something for every mood I'm in. Aside from that, the lyrics are simply amazing... I need to find a better word for that but I'm struggling here. I just woke up. Shinedown lyrics have had the ability to make me smile, laugh, cry and scream since day one back in 2003. I first started listening to them when my parents were divorcing and found catharsis in Leave a Whisper. When the stress of college and the faltering of relationships weighed down on me I had Us and Them on my iPod Nano (those were the days lol). After riding off the trauma of a horrific breakup and moving to a new place with such high hopes for my future (that I've since had to rethink) I was needing some solace. So now for the past two years I have had Sound of Madness on my iPod Touch and iTunes and in my Jeep cd player almost nonstop. I have to give a lot of credit to Kristen (my roomie) for getting me back into them as much as I used to be. There was a time when I was digging back through my old bands and listening to their newer stuff. And while I knew every song on SoM, after 6 months I put it away for a while. Then Kris put "Call Me" on a burned cd we listened to when we carpooled to work. I was in love again. Rekindling the romance took about a hot second. I pulled Sound of Madness back out of my cd holder and started up the love affair again. This year I saw that they were opening for Breaking Benjamin and Nickelback... SWEET! Kris and I went and I had the time of my life (I already posted on this). However, their set was sooo short. :( So I did some research and joined their fan club - Shinedown Nation to see when they would actually headline.

This summer was my ticket. Shinedown started up Carnival of Madness and are currently touring all over the US ending in late August in Wyoming (I think). Then they are touring again (see a pattern?) this fall and will be in York, PA which I am totally there!

Brent (the lead singer) talks to the audience a lot throughout. Before he started "Save Me" he asked us if we had ever been in a situation where our power was taken from us by something or someone. Kris and I just looked at each other. Once again it hit home. Brent then demanded (not asked) that we take that power back and not ever let that thing or person have control again. If you keep fighting it then you've won. Put lots of things back in perspective. So thank you (like he'd ever read this). :)

If you have not listened to SD much please give it a whirl. If you know you are not a fan I challenge you to find lyrics you relate to. Maybe it's too hard rock for you... if so, download their iTunes sessions which are acoustically aimed. I am promoting them so much because I owe a lot to how this band makes me feel. Brent, Eric, Zach and Barry are such talents and so eager to be a part of their fans lives.

I don't mean this post a propaganda and I hope you have seen my point. Much like my roommate, closest friends, family and role models, this band has had a part in keeping me sane and offering me a way to let go of all the pain and setbacks that life tends to have in store. I hope that you will find a band or artist that can do the same... you never know, it could be Shinedown. :)




Setlist for Carnival of Madness, Columbia, MD (not in order):
Sound of Madness
Devour
I Dare You
Cyanide Sweet Tooth Suicide
If You Only Knew (FAVORITE!)
Diamond Eyes
45
Heroes
Son of Sam
Fly From the Inside
Save Me
What a Shame
Her Name is Alice
The Crow and the Butterfly
Simple Man
Second Chance
... and I know I'm missing one in the middle and hell if I can remember it. :(

"Even in madness I know you still believe. Paint me on canvas so I'll become, what you could never be. I dare you to tell me to walk through fire. Wear my soul and call me a liar. I dare you to tell me, I dare you to"

-Meg

Just Venting

I'm so fucking tired. I'm tired, I'm restless and I feel like I'm falling without any form of safety net. And no, it's not exciting or new. It's scary and familiar. The constant feeling of falling. Falling short, falling away, falling off, falling out. It's old and tired... sorta like the way I feel as of late. So many people to disappoint including myself. Especially myself. So many things to lose... jobs, opportunities, money, friends, loved ones, time. There was a song I was listening to the other day that I kinda thought "huh, that's about right." It was about being on the outside of yourself and just watching the drama unfold. And before anyone asks "What's wrong Meg?" please know that this is just an overall state of being. It's from a series of tiffs with people, bad news (mostly job wise) and a financial crisis that I haven't made my way out of. It's kind of like drowning in air.

Everything in life is moving right along. And for the most part I feel like a member of society. I have my health for the most part. I have a great group of friends (who I piss off frequently <3 ), I have a loving family and I have a job that I love. However, I am the master of none. I don't control my emotions and I have a bitch of a time getting a handle on responsibilities of my own. It's hot and loud and crowded here. This is not a pity party. Trust me, I am sick of people thinking that I am never happy or never satisfied. It's simply not true. I love my life. But I can't handle my life efficiently. I'm working on it. Everything about me that you see is a work in progress. Please see that I am trying to be a good person. A success. A dependable friend. A caring individual. An intelligent and successful 20-something just attempting to make it here. I'm tired of having to ask for help. Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I just be settled already? I'm just so tired.

The thing that triggered this was that I scraped up money from under the seat of my Jeep (not kidding) so I could get a cheeseburger today. I paid in pennies, nickels and 2 quarters. I couldn't afford a drink. I got home and settled in and sank my teeth into it. It was glorious. Ten minutes later I was hurling it all up. What a waste of the last bit of money and leaf particles I could scrounge up. And now I'm hungry again. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be that pathetic girl in the McDonald's parking lot digging through her backseat cushions for the last 5 cents to pay Virginia sales tax. That's not what a college professor should do. It's like being a teenager again... except with lots more bills and no family to run home to and cry about it. The absolute worst part of this aside from hurling my dinner was that afterward I felt like poo but I had promised a very good friend that I would go see her today. But I don't have enough gas to go meet her. I didn't feel well and that WAS the main reason for my postponing, but I was also worried I just would break down on the side of the road. I can't afford gas. And she's leaving for good soon. I'm so tired. :(

-M

Back to my world

I realize I've been posting mostly short stories lately and less on what is going on in my ever-changing world. So back to the Real World: Centreville. Okay, so my life is not that epic that there is any chance at a reality TV train wreck forming, but I still find humor in it all.

Remember that job interview I got and was really excited about? Stop praying for me... it didn't work out. They gave the job away. BUT I WILL NOT BE MOVED! I'm gonna keep digging around for full-time teaching gigs and for PhDs in Higher Ed. Someday the balance of the universe will be restored and I will have some positives happen. Til then I'll just bitch about what could have been. :)

No worries though. I'm not begging for sympathy like I have in the past. I am finding far too many fun things to focus on. For example: If I EVER want a compliment to brighten my day I will go to KFC. (I'll explain). The man who is always working the window when I drive up for my 3 crispy strips, wedges and a drink is just darling! I'll give him my credit card and he asks if I want sauce. I say "honey mustard please." And WITHOUT FAIL he will say something like "you're sweet enough. You don't need honey." Something like that... No I'm not stupid. He says that to every woman who asks for honey mustard I'm sure. But in my perfect world this big burly man is telling me this because I am just as sweet and adorable as pie. ;)

My career is booming... not financially. But personally it's wonderful. I just finished up the first summer session at NVCC Woodbridge. It went by sooo quickly! But they were an awesome group. I also got evals from GMU and NVCC for the Spring and got more 5.00s! Not totally across the board, but they were still good. Apparently one person thinks I try to be funny. Little do they know that I am actually quite hilarious and they have a complex. :) So I'm very pleased. Now if only this job could make money... I'd like to be able to comfortably pay rent AND get my KFC whenever I damn well please.

Let's see... what else... OH! I'm taking an epic solo road trip to Indiana soon. My darling LaKesha is moving there for a full time teaching gig so I promised I'd help her out. I'll see Mr. Joeface while I'm out there so it should be a good time. Let's hope Beep Beep Jr (The green Jeep) will make the journey without problem. I'm sure I'll post about it when I get back.

I need to see more Orioles games. Let's make a date! Anyone?

<3 Meg

A Bedtime Story

I'm in an awful mood and I can't sleep. Figures. I'm exhausted from the weekend and I can't get the 8 hours I'll need for a long Monday tomorrow. Oh well. Someday I'll learn how to handle my crazy tendencies to hate myself to the point of staring at the ceiling and wondering why I think stupid things and why I project onto others... Regardless, this is not what the post is about. My mom told me a story about my grandfather again not too long ago and I wanted to use that plus some creative license to fill in the gaps from what I don't know. I hope it's good.

********************

Keeping my Promise

It had been months. Months since I'd seen her face. Months since I had held her soft hands, watched the way she set her brown curly hair each morning, kissed me goodnight and shyly winked at me from across the dining room. It had been months since I was home. I'd love to say I knew what I was getting into when I set off to this war, but I don't think anything could prepare someone for this. On either side. Doesn't matter if you're German or American or any of the allies on both sides. You don't know what this is until you are knee deep in it. Since D-Day I have made and lost friends. I have questioned and reaffirmed my faith in God. I have made peace with the uncertainty of my time left on this Earth, and I have silently begged for the opportunity to see my wife again. My wife. It's still new to me. It hadn't been long that we were wed before I shipped off to Europe. War doesn't care about timing and neither does Love. But I did promise her I'd come back home.

Our company was in the midst of trudging through the hills and forests of Germany. Sometimes I felt that our hikes were aimless and futile. But I always knew there was a purpose. There was a war to win here. A great one. One for the history books. I hoped I would live long enough to read one. Barely 20 years old and I've made peace with the fact that I might not live through this. But I'd never tell my Mil that. I promised I'd come home. We have a family to start after all. Would be somewhat difficult to do if I were not present for it. The thought made me chuckle.

Today was a good day I decided. The sun was out and the wind was not so biting. We hadn't seen the German army for a few days now, and we were set at a post for a few more days on these hills. It finally felt good to exhale. It's funny that sometimes you have to remind yourself to breathe in and out. Too many other things to think about. I looked towards the heavens and calculated the time. Somewhere around noon. The company set up at the top of a familiar hill looking over three small farms. We had the high ground, so it was easier to relax and enjoy a not so hot meal. I set down my gun and pack and began to unwrap a two day old sandwich. Down the hill I spied the barn door of one of the farms swing open slightly. Instinctively I grabbed my gun and crouched. My men did the same. Out of the barn walked a young boy. He immediately saw us and raised his arms up in the air in surrender. He could be no more than 5 years old. We scanned the area around him... nothing. Not a trap. We were called at ease and set our weapons down. The little boy just stared up at us... curious... unafraid. With as much determination as he could muster, he began to slowly walk up the hill towards us. His palms faced outward in front of him and each step was carefully calculated as to not raise an alert.

When the boy came closer I was immediately taken in by him. He had a wash of light hair, marred with dirt and straw. It looked as though the barn was his long-term hideout. His clothes were dirty and the hollow of his cheeks were prominent. He was starving. Most of the men were back to eating lunch, with a few keeping a wary eye at the farmhouses below. I kept watch of the boy as he continued to slowly move up the hill towards us. He caught my eye and greeted me in German. From the very little I picked up in my months here I reiterated the greeting and offered him part of my sandwich. He gave me and my gun the once-over but the growling in his stomach won out. By the look in his eyes, I could tell that the scrap of leftover sandwich I offered was worth his short life. He sat a few feet from me and let me toss him half of the meal. "Danke" he whispered and smiled slightly. I smiled back. Millie wouldn't believe this. The boy didn't stay very long. He finished the sandwich and took a swig from my canteen. Then without another word he wandered back down to the barn and shut the door behind him.

We set up watch for four more days waiting for the rest of our company to arrive with supplies. Each day at around noon we perched up on the open hill and ate lunch. And each day the boy would emerge and trudge up the hill to me. He spoke to a few of the other soldiers who knew more German than I, but he refused to sit by anyone but me. I found out that his mother was down in the barn as well, but had fallen ill. He ventured out to us alone each day for food and eventually a medic who offered to check on his mother. Each day that he came to see me all I could do was think of my wife. I wrote to her on that first night.

Millie,

What would you think of having a son, Mil? There is a little German boy here who has been sharing my awful lunches with me. He has a mother but no father to speak of. I wonder if he is on the other side of enemy lines. I wonder if we've met already. He looks like I did at his age. Mil, you would be amazed. He shows no fear to us. He is friendly and unabashed by our presence. I think he's lonely. We leave in a few days. I fear for him. I hope if his father is our enemy, that we do not meet and that he returns home for his boy. As I have to return home for you. And when I do come home, I wonder if you would entertain the idea of starting our family. I want a son, Mil. What do you think?

As big as the universe,

Al.


It had been months. Months of watching men fall. Months of wandering through this unfamiliar land. Months to think about what my life could be. I spent 5 days with this young boy. I don't even know his name or what became of him. I would like to think that he made it through this war unscathed and that he felt no ill will towards us. I'd like to think that his father returned to care for him and his ailing mother. I'd like to think nothing but the best for this little boy who shared my lunch. It had been months since the last letter made it to me, and it would be another month still before I heard from my Love. But when I did I was elated. Two letters arrived at once. One updated me on my family, and the happenings back home in Jersey. It was postmarked two months before. Millie had fallen ill for a time but was on the mend now. The more recent letter was postmarked a few weeks back. I still have this letter...

Al,

I miss you love. The days grow longer and longer. I can't believe it has been 4 months since you left. I found it funny that I started on this letter a few days before I received your last one. My faith in God has never been as steady as now. I say this because I think your little German boy was a sign. A sign that good things are to come. I have news for you. I would have told you sooner but I feared the worst when I fell ill. Al, you're going to be a father. I am four and a half months pregnant. Of course I cannot guarantee that I will be able to give you a son. But I can guarantee that you will be an amazing father. I did not write about this before because I feared that I had lost the child when I was sick. I did not want you to worry or fear. When you come home... and God willing it will be soon. You will be a daddy. Keep your promise to me and I'll keep mine to you. Come home safe. I love you Al.

Yours,
Mildred

Five months later my son, Albert Latwinas Jr. was born. Five months later I was a father. It would be months still. Months upon months before I would come home again. Months before I would see my new family. Months before I would hold him and kiss him goodnight. But I would. I would hold him and kiss him. I would watch her curl her hair and look shyly at me from across the room. I would tell my wife that I love her with my little boy wrapped in my arms. I would keep my promise to her.

************************

That was a long one. I hope it was alright. <3

Meg