Anyone out there?!

So who actually reads this blog? I'm curious to know. If you do read regularly would you "follow" the blog for me? I'd hate to think that the same three people that hear me bitch about life all the time are the only three reading this shindig. So if you are out there, let me know. Leave a comment or something. :)

I'll have more updates this week, but right now there is a chicken parm sub that is screaming my name. I must answer the call. ;)

-M

I was only looking for the shortcut home

It feels like Spring again. I'm amazed at how warm it is right now considering the first official day of Spring was only yesterday. But I'll certainly take it. My mood tends to improve as the weather does. I stood out on my balcony last night and watched the sunset while listening to my favorite Lifehouse songs. It was as peaceful as I've seen up here in NOVA. Not silent, but peaceful. I've been hearing optimism escape my lips lately and it doesn't taste as bitter anymore.

Life is about to get very busy again, but I'm welcoming it! Most of the things I am doing in the upcoming months are going to be fun and needed. A few concerts are lined up, as well as Orioles games, two weddings in Florida and a few extra days in the Keys to catch up on some R&R. I'm also hoping that Dad and Joan visit soon for the cherry blossoms. Mom is coming up to visit my sister in PA next week, so I'm going to try to make a trip up to see them. My family has been having a rough go of it lately, so I am thinking of them often. Mom is dealing with a possibly serious diagnosis so if you would, keep her in your prayers. My sister is having a hard time job scouting in this economy, and poor Joan is swamped with work that others should probably be handling. My father is of course carrying loads of stress around with him but always with a shit-eating grin on his face. I swear he is my hero. lol. I do wish I could be more like him.

Regardless of the stress and drama, I can see things looking up. I still don't know where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I know I'll at least be working towards a goal. It may be further off than I would like, but honestly that'll only make it sweeter when it is reached. And it certainly will be. All of our goals will be met in some form... even if it's not the way we expect them to arrive.

We make plans and set deadlines and sometimes they just pass us by. Other times they are taken from us or changed without our permission. Pouting about it or sobbing over the speed bumps won't help any (trust me, I did that already as you all are well aware). What truly counts is how you adjust your course and regain your bearings. I'm looking forward to that honestly. Life is constantly changing around me (and I mean more than education/job stuff). And some of it I might not see as a positive addition to my existence... but at some point it will become just that. It's just fighting to get there.

On the other hand we also have to know when to just let something go. I'm soo bad at this. I'm always clinging onto dead dreams and relationships that are unable to be revived. It's a curse of mine... but I do know I'm not the only one. So often we want to believe that people can change or that they'll become the person we know they can be. Other times we see them become that person with our help, only to be shunned and forgotten in the end. How can we let go? Of course I'm speaking personally, but I say "we" because I know at least a few of you reading this can relate. There are still songs I can't play and places I can't visit without painful reminders of what was and will never be again. I've gotta find that way to let it (or them) go.

I'm hopeful though, that someday I can look back on all these things and feel no spite, no hurt, or perhaps just nothing at all.

"Too long we've been denying. Now we're both tired of trying. We hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing left to relive... it's water under the bridge. You said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is" - Lifehouse

-M

Beware the Ides of March

Well today is March 15th, "Idus Martias" or the "Ides of March." I'm still not entirely sure why I am so enraptured with this day. Thus far in my existence nothing spectacular has happened on March 15th, but I like it all the same. It does seem to have an eerie way about it... poor Julius. For those who are unfamiliar, the Ides of March is when Julius Caesar was murdered in 44 B.C. "Et tu Brute..."

Betrayal. Haven't we all had a taste of it? A lover scorned, a trust broken, loyalty let down, a friend banished,a broken heart... we all have dealt with some form of betrayal in our lives. I suppose the more important thing to focus on is how we have managed it since. Poor Caesar didn't stand a chance. Though anyone reading this has not been murdered by their friends or loved ones (otherwise how are you reading this? Does heaven get free wi-fi?) we all have had a part of us "die" following a betrayal.

Three things come to mind when I think of betrayal in my life. A trust broken by someone I should never have naively trusted which resulted in my own physical pain and emotional crumbling... a lie and a cheat that I gave my heart to only to have it shattered in a cruel, heartless way... and finally an old friend that tossed my loyalty away for a cheap thrill. I'm not here to discuss these in detail. Those closest to me know exactly what I am speaking of and that is fine.

Consider your own betrayals, though. How have you managed them? To me it takes time and perhaps you can forgive, or perhaps not depending on circumstance... but I can never forget. Caesar I'm sure in his last moments whilst surrounded by senators thought about trust lost. Isn't that what stings? We trust and then have that trust snubbed out. And my God, how hard is it to gain back!? I believe that of my betrayals, which are more than the three I mentioned, trust is the hardest part for me to manage. Trust is the part of me that "dies" after a betrayal. I have a very hard time trusting anyone or anything without trepidation. Am I alone in that?

So it's the Ides of March. I've been away from work for a week. A week to unwind. A week to process. To deal. To get a handle on how my life constantly ebbs and flows. And today I go back to the familiar. But will it be different? How will the Ides treat me today? Life is what you make it (or so I hear), so perhaps I need to make the change instead of watch it surround me. Today may be a memorial of betrayal and trust broken, but perhaps it is just a good time for me now to push forward. Karma will catch up to all of us, so why do I worry? Why do I care so much for things that don't matter in the end? Is it human nature or a form of self-punishment? :)

Caesar was far from perfect as am I... most certainly. However, when it comes down to it don't let your betrayals kill you. Look past them and find something worth fighting for. How tragic is it to give up?

"καὶ σύ, τέκνον?"

-M

I Danced Anyway

Have you ever had a dream that you woke up from and had to check yourself in the mirror to be sure that it didn't actually exist? I woke up from what should have been an absolutely horrifying dream with an acute sense of calm and determination. I dreamed I was a professor with a class full of students who are my current friends/acquaintances (Kristen, LaKesha, Paula, Brian M., Matt M., Cora etc). On the way home from work I got into a horrific car accident. Resulting from it I had to have my left arm amputated above the elbow and my left leg amputated above the knee. Of course I was knocked into a coma when the doctors did all this to me, so as you can imagine, I woke up and FLIPPED out!

I did the whole mourning the loss of my limbs thing and felt anguished that I couldn't run anymore (... cause you know I run sooo much now lol). Then I got fitted with a painful but realistic mannequin looking prosthetic and went back to teaching. Sadly all my students treated me like I was a bit freakish and untouchable. At the end of the class after a miserable day because my leg prosthetic was killing me, I played "Moonlight Sonata" on my computer and just stood in the middle of the room. A student who had left returned and saw me just standing with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face. He asked me to dance. My leg hurt and my arm felt numb, but I accepted. He treated me like a whole human. It hurt like hell, but I danced anyway, because at least I could feel compassion. Then I woke up, tore the covers off and grabbed my leg to be sure it was a dream.

******

Sorry, I had to share that with someone. Okay so life: Umm... I took a break from posting as you can see, so I have some catching up to do. I've started getting rejections from PhD programs. I only have two options left and neither of which make me feel super excited. I DID however just apply for a full-time faculty spot at a community college and I actually really would love to get it. At that point I'd focus my attention to looking at EdD and PhDs in Higher Education. I might have a better shot there. I need to make myself look good on paper... which might prove very difficult. Those godforsaken GRE scores aren't getting any higher and I realize I'm not a good scholarly writer. But I want to be better. Anyway, that's that.

Regardless, I'm trying to stay object45rereq <---- I'm leaving that on there because Ariella just plopped on top of my keyboard because the laptop is warm. LoL. As I was saying - I want to stay objective and not get personally offended by any rejections. It's just hard not to feel the sting. Oh good, now Arie is laying on top of my hands on the laptop. I'm typing this beneath fluffy fat rolls lol.

So anyway, that's where we are now. Life isn't bad, it's just super bumpy. Kinda reminds me of the roads up here in NoVa. LoL. I don't want this blog to be super depressing all the time, but I'm sure it will have its moments so be as understanding as possible. :)

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

The Chill

Literal and figurative...

It's late January. All of my PhD applications are complete and submitted. I am teaching five college classes at two schools this semester. I've made a big decision not to take any graduate classes this Spring. I'm waiting. Somewhat patiently mind you. I think I have gotten to a point finally where a calm has come over me. I can't change anything at this point. Whatever the decision I will have to accommodate to it. Something is sure to happen one way or another.

I'd love to stay here. To keep my roots planted and work with the people I have wanted to for a while now. But it might not work out that way. If I get in elsewhere then I'll end up in North Carolina, New York, Pennsylvania or elsewhere in Virginia. If I don't get in anywhere I'll probably still move. I'd have to save face after two years of rejection in a row. I have some dignity left lol.

I'm trying something new this time around though. I'm working on that "positive thinking" thing. So far it hasn't been too bad. I think my mood has improved greatly, which comes at a good time being that my roomie is having a rougher go of it. If I wasn't trying this then I fear we would both be useless to the greater good. I'm also attempting to let go of things. I need to de-clutter. I got a new desk... and by that I mean it's about 100 years old, but it's new to me. And it forced me to throw crap away. My room is next. :)

It's a new year. And as such it's time for me to try something new. Not even a resolution per say. But just a new way of looking at my life.

It's cold outside. But not for too much longer.

Fall Again

I can hear the rain outside. I can't see it but I can hear it. I'm bundled up in bed with a fortress of pillows around me. I don't want to move yet. It's a shame... the tree outside was turning bright yellow the other day. It was soo pretty. The wind and rain just blew most of the leaves off into the clouds. It's Fall again.

It's around this time that I start thinking about New Years. What will I change next year? What will be better? What will happen to me? Every year, I have so much hope that it will be better than the last. And sometimes it is. I am fearful this year though. If things do not get better than this year then I'm not sure how I will proceed. But at least I know I will. Regardless I will proceed forward. Isn't that what we do?

I have the flu. I think. I have something. Something that is preventing me from wanting to move from this spot. I'm fine with that. Time seems to slow down for me when I can rest in bed. But as soon as I get up I can't catch up.

How do I catch up?

-M

Rain + No Sunshine

= Meg staying in bed FARRR too long on a Saturday when things need to be done!! I've figured out that I am soo tired from the week that my bed is my sanctuary. Why the hell would I want to leave something so warm and cozy? The evil, busy, raining world is outside of this thing. I'm disinclined to move.

I promise I'm not a slacker. I honestly have been so busy lately I've forgotten I even own a blog. My handwritten journal is much worse. The last entry in that is me crying over not getting into the PhD program (there's actual watermarks on the page... how pathetic).

So anyway I guess it's time for massive life updates....
I never did end up with a "job" job. I applied to 105 places total and have given up. Right now I am teaching two University of Phoenix classes, which are good but quite time consuming and don't pay crap. I am teaching two COMM 101 classes at Mason (yay adjunct means faculty parking!). I am also grading as a teaching assistant for another professor who teaches COMM 454- Free Speech and Ethics... also time consuming. I'm selling Avon products on the side. And FINALLY I clean houses when I get random offers to do so (but I do Scott/Sonia's once a week). So that's how I'm making money. And it's still very rough going, but I'm making rent payments so I see that as a positive!

On top of that I'm enrolled at Mason non-degree (meaning I don't belong to any one program) to take grad level classes. I'm hoping that if, God willing, I get into PhD this year, I can transfer them in. So I'm still in two classes with my WONDERFUL friends, who have been so patient with me this year.

I'm still very much afraid, but not as openly as before. I still get upset a bunch, and feel like I'm missing out on something I really want, but I'm still trying. I'll re-take those God forsaken GREs soon and go from there. The issue now is I'm soo busy balancing jobs that I have very little time for research! Go figure.

I can't believe how much I have to do. It's 12:45 and I'm in bed writing this while its pouring outside and Ari-cat is laying on part of my keyboard (cuz it's warm). Not to mention the apartment looks like a tornado blew through it. I'm just too tired to clean! Hahaha.

Ok this is getting sad... let me think of something nice...
I'm gonna make steak and eggs when I get up out of the left over London Broil I cooked K and me this week. :) Yay! Also, I just got back from Chicago a few weeks ago to visit Joe-face. It was a VERY nice break away and the sun even came out.

Plus I found a new "fast food" place I love but they don't have here. Culvers. Omnomnom.
www.culvers.com. Sooo good!

Ok Ari has taken over the whole laptop with her fat roll so I'm gonna log off and get goin!
Let's see if I can remember to updae now.... (Doubtful).

-Meg