Hard Not to Worry

When I think about my family, I have the mentality that lots of people have: They'll always be here. How I wish that were true, but sadly quite the opposite is the case. I have a close family member who is very sick and may very well be nearing the end of his life. I'm not being specific because I don't know who has been told about how ill he is and I don't have his permission to parade his name on the Internet, so we'll leave it at that.

But thinking about what could and eventually will happen is terrifying to me. I'm scared of my own death, yes, but more so for the ones I love. So the thought of my mom, dad or sis being sick (none of them are so it's okay) is something I try never to think about. It's worse when you are helpless to do anything to help. Of course moral and emotional support is great, but it's never enough in my mind.

All I ask is that if you have some relationship with a God or higher power that you say a little prayer for my family today and in the coming days. We're in for a dozy of a year medically speaking in my family so all the kind thoughts are helpful.

I personally am doing okay. I am very happy about this year and the possibility it brings and attempting not to dwell on things I can't influence. So all is well but prayers are good. <3

Love,
Meg

Another Blog (Cuz One Wasn't Enough!)

Hey all!
Just wanted to let you know that I have another blog I'm working on as well as this one. It is my fitness, diet and cleaning blog. I'll continue to post on here with both stories and life updates, but that one is specifically for my New Years Resolution to get in shape and organized. Feel free to subscribe to it as well. Any pointers you have for diet or exercise is also welcome! Here is the link to "Losing It":

http://meglosingit2011.blogspot.com

All my best,

Meg

2010 Year in Review

2010 is Gone...

So I began and ended my year in the same place: my Aunt and Uncle's house in Boiling Springs, PA. So much has changed this year. Some good, some bad. But at the end of the day I would call this year another learning experience and success. I remember my resolution for the past year was to find success and to show everyone that I can accomplish goals... and to lose about 15lbs. Sadly, I've not lost any weight this year, but perhaps that can be another resolution. So let's take a trip back and see what 2010 brought:



- I began my NVCC career after a January 3rd phone call from my future boss, Fred. He offered me an adjunct spot at Northern Va Community College - Woodbridge. My long commutes began soon after... as did my obsession with Dunkin Donuts lattes.



- I was a bridesmaid for the first time in my friend Kim's wedding. Not only was I IN the wedding, but it was my first big destination wedding in the Florida Keys. Probably the most perfect wedding I've been to. :)





- On the same token I got to play with dolphins while in the Keys. Kris and I got to splash around with Tanner the Dolphin in Marathon, Fl. It was my birthday gift to her for her 25th :)



- Joe and I attended a wedding in Bradenton, Florida and I was able to meet his family for the first time. We only shared one dance, but it was still a wonderful trip.



- I walked with the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure 5K this year in Washington D.C. I walked... not ran. Walked. :) It was a great event and I hope to go back next year.



- I was lucky enough to see my favorite band, Shinedown four times THIS YEAR! This makes six concerts to see them total. I can't wait until they tour again in a few years. Until then I'll watch old videos and remember how alive it made me feel.

- One of my closest and oldest friendships slid to barely acquaintances due to circumstances out of my control. My hope is that 2011 brings some stability to my old friendships from my past.



- A great college and after friend of mine, Greg, got a FANTASTIC job offer in North Carolina. As such we threw him a going away party and he moved out in the Fall. He's taught me that I do need to change my focus and manage keeping my long distance contacts in the forefront of my mine because out of sight never equals out of mind. <3



- Another very close friend of mine (almost sister) LaKesha moved away. For one of the first times in my adult life, I had to experience someone very close to me become a long distance friend. I was lucky enough to visit her in Indiana this past summer. My first trip to the cornfield state! :)



- I was lucky enough to reconnect with two of my best friends from high school: Cora and Jen. They both live in the area now so I need to work on keeping a monthly date with the two of them in the new year :)



- Joe and I had our first date this year on one of my Chicago trips. Once again I am embarking on a long distance relationship. But as long as Southwest has free baggage checks, we're golden. :)



- I was awarded with Basic Course Teacher of the Year from GMU in the Spring. This was my first real recognition as an instructor and a big confidence boost that was desperately needed. I want to keep doing a good job.

- Around the same time I found out I was once again rejected from the Comm PhD program at Mason, as well as 4 other Universities. I was starting to feel like I was looking in the wrong places and at the wrong thing. The fear of being an absolute failure was almost paralyzing.

- I expanded my NVCC reach to the Annandale campus during the Summer and have continued to teach there through the Fall (as well as at Woodbridge).



- My Dad and I went to an Orioles game for the first time since I was 9 years old. It was a magical day (even though the O's lost). I hope to make this a yearly tradition.



- Mom and I had our own magical experience this Winter while kayaking on the Weeki Wachee River in Florida. We spotted nine manatees and they played with us for a while! I even got to pet one repeatedly. He was a sweetheart. I was just amazed with their temperaments and their willingness to be around us humans. An all around perfect day. <3





- This November one of my life goals came to be. I was accepted to a PhD program. I will be an incoming doctoral student in the Higher Education program at GMU this Spring. I am excited and scared to death. But now the fun part begins... proving to everyone that I can excel here. :)



- I bought the green Jeep Cherokee from my Dad this winter. Lil Missy is now my very own Beep Beep. We'll fix up and sell my white Grand Cherokee (Suga') in the Spring. I'm in the process of transferring my tags over to the green Beep Beep.

- I got to spend the holidays with all of my family this year. I saw Mom and her side of the family during Christmas and then Dad, Joan, Care and Dad's side of the family for New Years. Being 25 now I am privy to more with my family. I have learned so much about their lives, trials, loves, pains and desires for life. All the while, they have offered great support for my coming year and new chapter in my life. I can't imagine who I would be without them. I am lucky to have such a great, brilliant, dysfunctional group of individuals to call my kin. :)

- I celebrated my Quarter Century Birthday this year.

Cheers to a New Year and a new set of opportunities.

Meg

A Good Day for No Reason

It's so cold outside it's ridiculous. There comes a point when it should really just snow and get it over with! However, I'm fairly content tonight. I have my new fuzzy socks on and I'm eating a SUPER healthy bowl of Easy Mac. I've only had this twice in my life in my defense. ;) I have been smack dab in the middle of finals week so there are piles of grading that are undone at my feet. But for now, I'm content doing nothing but updating this thing and humming Taylor Swift songs.

Today was a great day. And I have no clue why. I kept laughing out loud for the dumbest reasons today and that was fine with me. It started, as most funny stories do, with my cat, Ariella. Every morning at around 5a.m. she decides that she's lonely and paws at my door. After stumbling over to let her in I crawled back in bed and put the covers over my head. Air-Bear (as I tend to call her) didn't miss a beat. She launched all 18lbs of her onto my bed and started looking for me. She climbed up to where she thought my head was and mewed very softly... and pathetically. I grunted. She then climbed around my head and stuck her face under the covers, just inches from my nose. After sniffing my lips (she loves the smell of my chapstick)she barrel rolls onto me and under the covers as well. Sneaky minx! I couldnt help but laugh until I fell back asleep with a purr monster next to me.

The second odd outburst of laughter happened on my way to work. I drove out to Annandale to give a final today. Let me preface this by saying that I drive a LOT. So I have made it a game of mine to scout out cars that I would one day like to own and then hate on the driver. OR I read vanity tags and try to figure them out. This super slow Subaru (yay alliteration!) was in front of me with the tags KTNRSQ. Here is me... "KTNRSQ...Kite and are square? If this is a math equation it sucks! KTNR.. Kitner? The hell. That's not a word. RSQ... risque? Kit risque? RSQ..rescue... KITTEN RESCUE!!! HA! God, I'm Awesome!" *bursts out laughing* The guy at the light next to me witnessed this and quickly sped away. LoL.

I guess it's the little things? Case in point: I felt victorious when I cleaned out our microwave today. Yeah. Welcome to adulthood Meg. For Christmas you want a new set of steak knives, new socks, money for credit card bills and a book stamp. I used to want a pony... or a hot wheels Jeep... or another pony. :)

Speaking of Xmas, I will have to make a post about that soon. As well as the year in Review. THAT should be entertaining. I was scolded for not updating this much. I honestly didn't know people still checked this! For those of you that do, THANK YOU! :)

Happy Wednesday!
Meg

The Things You Aspire to Achieve...

... They're Right In Front of You.

I didn't think that was true for me. I hoped and prayed and cried and screamed and questioned everything. But I didn't see it in front of me. However, right now, sitting in my lap is a letter. It has my name on it. It has the words "Congratulations" as the opening greeting. And it has the words that I have hoped to hear for years now. My goals for the future have included being a doctoral student and one day having a PhD hanging on my office wall. However, after years of rejections and naysayers and sympathetic looks, I was starting to feel like I was maybe heading in the wrong direction. Maybe someone was telling me that this was not what I was cut out for. But I was lucky in that my support groups were amazing. They wouldn't let me bury myself in pity and shame.

And now here I am. I sat in my Jeep today in the rain on the side of the road with a small envelope addressed to me gripped in my shaking hands. I was already crying because I was sure it was another rejection letter. I whispered "No, no. Please God not again" as my wipers creaked and groaned over the steady shower. My favorite song on the radio played softly in the background, but I couldn't hear it. I didn't want to look, but I had to get it over with. I braced myself for an overwhelming feeling of defeat. However, when I opened it and read the first words... "Congratulations..." I broke down sobbing and hyperventilating. I couldn't believe it was real. When you expect to be let down time after time, a victory is unbelievable.

So now it begins. A new chapter. A chapter I have hoped and prayed for. One that my closest friends have hoped for me and my parents had been sure would appear in time. The call was already made and forms signed. I am a PhD student for George Mason University's Department of Higher Education program. I am getting my PhD. And I am determined to be a diligent and motivated student. I am not going to take this opportunity for granted. All I wanted was a chance for someone to see in me what I hope for myself. That I can do this, and I can do this well. I am NOT going to let them down. I am NOT going to let anyone I love or anyone who has continued to fight and believe in me, down.

"No matter who you are. No matter where you're from... every one deserves a second chance." - Brent Smith

All my Love,

Meg <3

Just a Little Unwell

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I promise. "Crazy" runs rampant in my family but I haven't caught the virus yet. I will, I'm sure. But let's not be hasty here.

I'm flawed beyond believe. I'm constantly questioning and worrying and sad. I already realize this.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this... maybe just the sad realization that regardless of the progress I make, I will always be weighed down by my past and my lack of confidence. I never take the advice that I give my students. You can fake confidence. You can. I can't. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Probably because the people closest to me can read me like an open book. So if I fake it I'm called out. If I'm silent I'm called out. When I'm fine it's not noticed. So it's assumed I'm always unhappy. I'm not. But it does influence my choices and my hesitations.

I guess what I'm saying is... I'm trying. I can't just "get over it" though.

This is who I am for now. Hopefully not forever. But for now... this is me.

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