The Things You Aspire to Achieve...

... They're Right In Front of You.

I didn't think that was true for me. I hoped and prayed and cried and screamed and questioned everything. But I didn't see it in front of me. However, right now, sitting in my lap is a letter. It has my name on it. It has the words "Congratulations" as the opening greeting. And it has the words that I have hoped to hear for years now. My goals for the future have included being a doctoral student and one day having a PhD hanging on my office wall. However, after years of rejections and naysayers and sympathetic looks, I was starting to feel like I was maybe heading in the wrong direction. Maybe someone was telling me that this was not what I was cut out for. But I was lucky in that my support groups were amazing. They wouldn't let me bury myself in pity and shame.

And now here I am. I sat in my Jeep today in the rain on the side of the road with a small envelope addressed to me gripped in my shaking hands. I was already crying because I was sure it was another rejection letter. I whispered "No, no. Please God not again" as my wipers creaked and groaned over the steady shower. My favorite song on the radio played softly in the background, but I couldn't hear it. I didn't want to look, but I had to get it over with. I braced myself for an overwhelming feeling of defeat. However, when I opened it and read the first words... "Congratulations..." I broke down sobbing and hyperventilating. I couldn't believe it was real. When you expect to be let down time after time, a victory is unbelievable.

So now it begins. A new chapter. A chapter I have hoped and prayed for. One that my closest friends have hoped for me and my parents had been sure would appear in time. The call was already made and forms signed. I am a PhD student for George Mason University's Department of Higher Education program. I am getting my PhD. And I am determined to be a diligent and motivated student. I am not going to take this opportunity for granted. All I wanted was a chance for someone to see in me what I hope for myself. That I can do this, and I can do this well. I am NOT going to let them down. I am NOT going to let anyone I love or anyone who has continued to fight and believe in me, down.

"No matter who you are. No matter where you're from... every one deserves a second chance." - Brent Smith

All my Love,

Meg <3

Just a Little Unwell

I'm not crazy. I'm not. I promise. "Crazy" runs rampant in my family but I haven't caught the virus yet. I will, I'm sure. But let's not be hasty here.

I'm flawed beyond believe. I'm constantly questioning and worrying and sad. I already realize this.

I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this... maybe just the sad realization that regardless of the progress I make, I will always be weighed down by my past and my lack of confidence. I never take the advice that I give my students. You can fake confidence. You can. I can't. Maybe I don't try hard enough. Probably because the people closest to me can read me like an open book. So if I fake it I'm called out. If I'm silent I'm called out. When I'm fine it's not noticed. So it's assumed I'm always unhappy. I'm not. But it does influence my choices and my hesitations.

I guess what I'm saying is... I'm trying. I can't just "get over it" though.

This is who I am for now. Hopefully not forever. But for now... this is me.

Travel

So many places to go... so many places I've been. I still have a lot of the world left to see.

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If I Knew Then... A Quarter Century's Worth of Knowledge

I don't believe I've ever done a full blown "life" update before, but I suppose with the coming and going of my 25th birthday that it is only fitting.

So where am I in my life? What have I experienced and what has fallen short? As you can see, it's September 16th... it has taken me until now to build up the courage to ask myself all of this in order to make this post. And I'm still leaving things out. But nonetheless this is what I know...

After a quarter of a century I am proud and disappointed in myself. Proud of my accomplishments both personally and professionally, but disappointed in my failures and mistakes. I'd love to say I'm the type of girl who does not hold on to regrets... but I have enough baggage to run my own airport.

I have three degrees. Two Bachelor of Arts (English and Communication Studies) and one Master of Arts in Communication. I have yet to be accepted to a PhD program, as has been the goal before now.

I am a college professor and I am in love with my job. It is busy and stressful and fun and fulfilling. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I had hoped to be a writer, and aside from this sad little string of blogs, I have not made much else. My novel is farrrrrrrrrr from complete and I'm terrified to submit my research to journals because I don't believe it is up to par. Fiction and narratively I am an okay writer. (With formal training) I do believe that I could be a good writer.

I am almost completely financially independent of my family. However, I am in student loan and credit card debt up to my ears... and as such my parents still contribute to the cause to keep me afloat. For that I am eternally thankful.

I have traveled to the following places: Ireland, Canada, Arizona, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, Maine, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Washington D.C. (Yes I did it alphabetically cause I'm awesome).

I have fallen in Love and out of Love. I have had my heart ripped to shreds and have failed to completely mend it (I'm not sure if that is even possible). I've broken someone's heart and failed to completely mend theirs. I have lost dear friends and found new ones. I've rekindled friendships from my past and made peace with the fact that some people aren't worth the effort.

The people that have taught me to love have also taught me to hate. I've found that sometimes the ones who build you up will also break you down. I've managed to find strength within myself that I could not imagine that I possessed. But I am still self loathing and have a long way to go. Trust me, I'm still working on it.

I have a great relationship with my parents and sister even after a heart-wrenching divorce. I think we all came out better on the other side.

I am in love with music and have attended well over 70 concerts. Music heals me when nothing else can.

I've done stupid things when I was young and I fully intend on warning my children against them to no avail. :)

I've read countless books, but still have a lot to learn. I've had plenty of missed opportunities and failed attempts but I'm optimistic that doors will still open when they need to.

I've found God.

I am a Jack of all Trades but a Master of None. I want to be really REALLY good at one thing.

I can fix many things on my Jeep by myself. I'm not afraid of getting dirty or of wearing pink.

I've had cancer before and got it treated (don't worry please, it was only Basal Cell Carcinoma... an incredibly treatable form of epidermal layer skin cancer). I am cautious because of this.

I have had my power and control taken from me and managed to slowly gain it back. I fully intend on preventing this from happening again to myself or anyone I love.

I've gotten drunk but decided that drinking is not my thing. However a Jack and Coke can easily fix a sour mood. I know how to cook and I Love to... I just don't always have the time or energy. Drugs are a no-no for me... excluding coffee of course. ;)

I am a lease-holder, a car owner and a stock market trader. I'm also saving for retirement.

I still have so much I want to do... get married, have babies, buy a house, get a dog and another cat, pay off my debts, get a PhD, accept who I am and love me for it, write and publish a novel... etc. So I guess we'll see what I have when the next 25 years have passed.

Regardless, I'm still afloat.

Meg <3
Est. 1985

...In With the New

The purge is complete!

I wish I could have done more but I started teaching today so I wanted to have a "final product" by now. The clothing was the biggest and best accomplishment of the week. I donated SEVEN trash bags and have about another half a bag for my sister. :)


Books are going to friends and family as well as the thrift store. I threw away the crap and cleaned and organized.

Everyone was right. It was a cleansing experience (no pun intended). ;)

Thanks to everyone for the well wishes and help. :) It was a good thing and I hope to spend more time throughout the semester cleaning, organizing and just simplifying.


Tomorrow is my 25th birthday so expect another post! Probably a deeper, more reflective one on my past quarter of a century. lol.

Meg

Out with the Old...

The time has come... well... it's actually been a long time comin. Anyone who has been to my apartment knows. It's pathetic. I'm on the cusp of being 25 years old and my living space looks similar to an exploded frat house. I'm tired of living like this. I remember a time when I was fairly neat. Now granted, I have ALWAYS been a pack rat. If I bought something I assume that I will use it... why would I get rid of it if I spent my hard earned money on it? The mentality comes from not having a bunch of money growing up and still currently struggling to make ends meat. As such it seems preposterous for me to get rid of my things when I can't afford to replace them. However, I have reached the point of mental break. I cannot come home from work every day to this and feel happy. I don't live like an established adult and it needs to end.

So here is what is going to happen. I have less than a week before the Fall semester starts for me. With it I will be teaching six classes which is ridiculous. However, it is a necessary evil to afford a Northern Virginia lifestyle. So this week will be spent doing the following:


DAY 1
- Clothing Purge
* Parameters: The clothing must fit comfortably on me or be ONE size smaller (I'm still gonna attempt to get back down to 138). Also, if it does not fit comfortably in the dressers or closet it is gone. If it has holes or is faded it goes. If I have not worn it in a year it goes. All clothing that is out will be donated to the Clocktower Thrift in Centreville and any else that may fit my sister will be shipped to her.

- Syllabi x3
* Parameters: Three syllabi will be started today for COMM 100 at GMU. The templates are established so all that changes are dates and a few assignment types. These should be complete by midnight of Day 1

DAY 2
- Book Purge
* Parameters: This is heartbreaking, but I have too many books for the space I live in. As such some need to be purged. If I have duplicates the one in worse shape goes. If they are borrowed (read or not) they are returning to the owner. If I am just not going to get to it and I know it they go. If they are classics that I won't reread for a while or have no space for they will be boxed and sent back to my father's home for storage.

- Syllabi x2
* Parameters: Two syllabi for CST 110 Annandale should be started. They use a new book so I should email office admin about using a different text or getting a copy of the new book. Assignments and dates should be updated and compared to my roommates from the summer (she taught from the new book). Should be complete by Day 3

DAY 3
- Knicknack Purge
* Parameters: Lets face it. I own useless shit. Kitchy shit. And I like it. I do. But I don't have space for all of it. Thus, if it is something I would have liked in high school or undergrad and would NOT have bought now then it goes. If it does not fit my bedroom decor it goes. If it has sincere sentimental value but doesn't fit it will be stored at my father's home. The wall photos will be organized. Complete the concert ticket frame and hang it. If it makes the room look cluttered it's going.

- Syllabi x1
* Parameters: Last syllabi for CST 110 Woodbridge will be updated. A template exists so I'll just update dates and assignments. Should be complete by end of Day 3.

DAY 4
- Bath and Body Purge
* Parameters: In case there was any confusion, I'm a woman. I have moments of girlishness. As such I own far too many bath and body products. It looks Bath and Bodyworks has exploded in my bathroom and extends to my bedroom. If it has not been used in 6 months it goes. If it is expired it goes. If it does not fit comfortably under my sink or on my vanity it goes. I don't need 10 body lotions, 4 shampoos or old face creams that didn't work. Get rid of it. Now! If the makeup is old it goes. If it's a garish color or about to run out it goes.

- Jewelry Purge
* Parameters: I keep things that I don't like. I have crap from exboyfriends I can't stand. It is getting sold. I will collect anything of value that I don't like and sell it. Any costume jewelry that I don't wear normally will go. If any of you want to look at this stuff you are welcome to it. Just post a comment and let me know. All family and sentimental jewelry will be saved and put in my large jewelry case that I DON'T USE! All jewels that I wear weekly will go in ONE jewelry box in my bathroom for normal wear. All other jewelry boxes will be stored or donated.


- Assignment Prep
* Parameters: All assignments/activities for the fall term will be made today and organized. All syllabi and assignment documents will be placed on the computer in ORGANIZED files.

I don't expect my life to be perfectly organized after this, but I do expect to see an 80% improvement from where I am now. I need to change my focus to PhDs and enjoying my life and saving money. I can't do that if I'm constantly surrounded by crap. I'll update at the end of each day to say what has changed and what is left. I think this blog gives me a little responsibility to do this and to do it right. :) Words of support are always helpful and if you are interested in any of my trash, be my guest to make it your treasure. :)

Here goes nothing...

Meg

"riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay..."

The title quote is the opening line of "Finnegan's Wake" by James Joyce written just as so - as if the sentence started before the book because it does. It's a cycle. Never ending...

I wrote the following to Christopher Newport University yesterday upon hearing of the passing of a great mentor and professor to me - Dr. Tracey Schwarze. She lost a very brave battle to cancer. As the few of you who read this like to know what is going on in my life and my head, I will share this bit with you here.

I am writing this with a heavy heart. I am not sure if this is who or where I should send this letter to but I hope it reaches a broader audience than just myself. I had the privilege of being taught by Dr. Schwarze during my tenure at CNU from 2003-2007. She became a mentor to me in the English Department, and pushed me to seek further in higher education. Partly due to her guidance I am seeking out PhD programs, and am currently an adjunct professor at George Mason University.

Dr. Schwarze was more than just another professor to me and to many in my cohort. She was a ball of energy and intellect wrapped up in a spunky professor with a passion for literature and culture. She gave me and a few others a very rare opportunity by taking us to Dublin, Ireland in the Summer of 2005. I recently sat on my apartment patio and realized it was the 5 year anniversary of that trip. Five years ago, Tracey (as she made me call her from that trip forward), my best friend Kristen and I sat on a hotel patio in Dublin and watched the night sky; discussing James Joyce and life in general. That trip had a huge impact on me and it is still something that I talk about frequently. I have never been back to Ireland since, but I can remember every aspect of the journey. From that first day in Ireland, Tracey was determined for all of our group to get the most out of the experience. As such, an hour after landing she had us load our stuff onto a bus and climb up the side of a cliff. I'm not kidding. A cliff. And she just traipsed along with 3" heeled boots without a care in the world and without expelling a heavy breath. As a 20-year-old college student I was gasping and panting and felt like falling off the side of the cliff just so I wouldn't have to continue to the top. But that's really how Tracey approached life. She didn't see the daunting task ahead. Instead she just pushed forward with a smile and a sincere determination... all the while enjoying the scenery. She loved life. The trip to Ireland made that evident. She took us sightseeing and out to eat different cuisine every night. We sat in on her lectures at the James Joyce School and could just feel her passion for her work. It was the trip of a lifetime.



After I graduated in 2007 I kept up with Tracey from time to time and told her about my work in graduate school as a communication student. All the while I continued to write and to read the works of Joyce... keeping her in mind. We lost touch a little over a year ago and honestly I did not know that she had fallen ill. I would imagine though, that she battled her illness with the same determination and forward thinking as that cliff in Howthe, Ireland.

All alumni and current students who had the honor of working with Dr. Schwarze will certainly remember her zeal for teaching and trailblazing. I remember we would sit in the classroom waiting for her to arrive for lecture and we could always hear her coming long before she walked through the doorway. She wore amazing high-heeled shoes that clicked and popped down the halls of Ratcliffe. They were always fast, upbeat steps. She never trudged through life. She took it all in stride.

It is with a heavy heart but a peaceful mind that I send this out. I am certainly happy that Tracey is no longer in any pain and that she is surely in a better place. I hope the good Lord likes Ulysses or at least has read the Cliffs Notes... because if I know anything, she's going up there with a quiz in hand.

All my best,

Megan H. L. Tucker
Christopher Newport University Class of 2007
English-Journalism
Communication Studies


I believe that for Tracey, I'll dust off my copy of Finnegan's Wake and Ulysses and give it another whirl. I challenge each of you to do the same if ever you can.



"One by one they were all becoming shades. Better pass boldly into that other world, in the full glory of some passion, than fade and wither dismally with age."
-- Dubliners, "The Dead"