Your Pain is a Gift

I always hope to be better at this. Writing comes naturally to me so I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to post more frequently.

Life has been taking interesting twists and turns. Some good, some not so much so. But I guess that's why life is said to be a roller coaster right? I got a job interview for a full time spot at NOVA. I haven't heard back yet, but at least I know the interview went well for me. I also met with the chair of another PhD program and he was very insightful. I think I may have been barking up the wrong tree. Go figure I'd find out a year later. I hope I've not been wasting my time. Kimmie got married in the Keys and I was honored to be one of her bridesmaids. Weddings make me so happy because I can still see love left in the world... but then I also think back to my past and realize that many of my decisions have been overwhelmingly wrong. Enough on that today. That's a fight for a different day. More good stuff is that K and I have started our summer concert-going and baseball-watching. :) Concerts always do something extraordinary to me. After them I feel much more inspired to write and listen to music extremely LOUD. I've been playing Shinedown nonstop for a while now. Always been a top band of mine, but lately the songs off their new album have offered more of a cathartic experience for me. I support catharsis.

I've been missing people lately. I think because the seasons are changing again and the semester is winding to a close. I'll miss some of my students. They have really been awesome and supportive this semester. I needed the ego boost (a teacher of the year award didn't hurt either!) I'm also missing people who are not a part of my life anymore. I have got to start working on letting things go. Especially when I have NO control over them. That's always been one of my fatal flaws. I don't forget anything and I dwell constantly. Nothing about that can be healthy.

Regardless, I need to start working with what I have. My successes and failures can all benefit me if I use them correctly. This summer I resolve to start writing again. Not just on here, but my stories and songs again. I used to write everyday... but somehow over time I've lost faith in the craft and gave up. Time to stop hesitating all the time.

-M


"I never heard such a haunting melody. Oh, it's killing me. You know I can barely breathe. Just like a crow chasing a butterfly..." -Shinedown

Little Pieces of Home

It's not hard to realize that I'm from a very different place than where I live now. I grew up on the Eastern Shore of Virginia. There are only about 13 traffic lights from the Maryland state line to the Bay Bridge Tunnel and just now are they getting a Walmart. No Starbucks, no malls, no traffic, no buildings over four stories high (including the hospital). It's quiet, simple and underdeveloped at home. I grew up on 12 acres of field and woods with a creek that winds through my backyard and to the Chesapeake Bay. The home I lived in is well over 100 years old and three stories high. I know I could never live on the Shore again before retirement and be successful as there are no colleges to teach at. But I do now miss it. In high school I was so ready to be gone. It was boring to me then and everyone knew everyone's business. Those of you from small towns know exactly what I mean. But after undergrad, and now after graduate school I am starting to miss home. There is a stillness on the Shore that is lost up here in NOVA. Don't get me wrong, I do like it up here... but it's not the same. Everyone has places to go and things to do. I drive through 13+ traffic lights just to get to GMU. I can't even count the number I drive through to go to Woodbridge. I don't know my neighbors and I have no backyard. Home is a third story apartment that backs a drainage pond that I like to call a "lake." It's busy and prosperous and there are Starbucks as far as the eye can see. And I like it. I do. But sometimes, I ache for the quiet. I want to see familiar faces in my neighborhood.

This has often been my issue with being out here. It is so incredibly different. But then again, it isn't different at all. On days like today I can see little pieces of home peek through the facade of industry and progress. So today I drove home from Woodbridge and I took the back way through Old Clifton (about a 45 minute drive). A student from class recognized me on the drive and waved emphatically at me. It made me smile to see a familiar face for once. After getting further away from the traffic near DC, I made my way to the back roads. The back way cuts out lights and multiple lanes of pavement. It's a two lane, 40mph bumpy, windy road. There are FIELDS back there, and horses... annnnd 1.8 million dollar homes, but beggars can't be choosers. I can smell honeysuckle bushes along the ditches. It was glorious! I turned the AC in the Jeep off and cranked the windows down. I put some old Breaking Benjamin in the cd player and turned it up as loud as I could stand it! To top off the drive, I sipped on a $1.05 sweet tea from McD's. It was quiet and still... aside from Ben Burnley screaming through my speakers. ;) When I got home and got out of the Jeep, a breeze blew by me and rustled the few cherry blossom and dogwood trees in my complex. Petals flew all over the place and the perfume they made was heavenly.

I decided to take a second before going in and hopped up onto the burning hot hood of the Jeep. I laid back for a minute and just listened to the trees and felt 90 degrees burn into my pasty pale skin. Of course it wasn't like my old house where I could hear the sounds of the Bay and seagulls squawking. I heard a far off ambulance, kids hopping off a school bus, and some lame guy in his modified Honda Civic trying desperately to look "badass" in his "sports car." That's a post for a different day. But comparatively, it was quiet. It was still. Most everyone else is still at work so the parking lot is not full of cars for once. The sound of a very large motor made me open my eyes and hop off the Jeep. Driving by was a good ole' southern boy driving a jacked up 1990's Chevy Blazer with some rather large Micky Thompson tires. :) He tipped his camo hat at me and kept driving. The day was now complete. I saw a bonafide redneck up here and he politely said hello to me; a complete stranger. I grabbed my stuff and trudged up the stairs to my apartment where my cat was sitting by the door waiting for me just like my old cat Cleo used to at home on the Shore. Unlike here, I'd never lock the door behind me. But regardless of the differences: the people, the scenery, the animals, the sounds... it still has pieces that make me feel like I'm not so far away from home. And on days like today, it is almost perfect.

-M

Anyone out there?!

So who actually reads this blog? I'm curious to know. If you do read regularly would you "follow" the blog for me? I'd hate to think that the same three people that hear me bitch about life all the time are the only three reading this shindig. So if you are out there, let me know. Leave a comment or something. :)

I'll have more updates this week, but right now there is a chicken parm sub that is screaming my name. I must answer the call. ;)

-M

I was only looking for the shortcut home

It feels like Spring again. I'm amazed at how warm it is right now considering the first official day of Spring was only yesterday. But I'll certainly take it. My mood tends to improve as the weather does. I stood out on my balcony last night and watched the sunset while listening to my favorite Lifehouse songs. It was as peaceful as I've seen up here in NOVA. Not silent, but peaceful. I've been hearing optimism escape my lips lately and it doesn't taste as bitter anymore.

Life is about to get very busy again, but I'm welcoming it! Most of the things I am doing in the upcoming months are going to be fun and needed. A few concerts are lined up, as well as Orioles games, two weddings in Florida and a few extra days in the Keys to catch up on some R&R. I'm also hoping that Dad and Joan visit soon for the cherry blossoms. Mom is coming up to visit my sister in PA next week, so I'm going to try to make a trip up to see them. My family has been having a rough go of it lately, so I am thinking of them often. Mom is dealing with a possibly serious diagnosis so if you would, keep her in your prayers. My sister is having a hard time job scouting in this economy, and poor Joan is swamped with work that others should probably be handling. My father is of course carrying loads of stress around with him but always with a shit-eating grin on his face. I swear he is my hero. lol. I do wish I could be more like him.

Regardless of the stress and drama, I can see things looking up. I still don't know where I'll be next year or what I'll be doing, but I know I'll at least be working towards a goal. It may be further off than I would like, but honestly that'll only make it sweeter when it is reached. And it certainly will be. All of our goals will be met in some form... even if it's not the way we expect them to arrive.

We make plans and set deadlines and sometimes they just pass us by. Other times they are taken from us or changed without our permission. Pouting about it or sobbing over the speed bumps won't help any (trust me, I did that already as you all are well aware). What truly counts is how you adjust your course and regain your bearings. I'm looking forward to that honestly. Life is constantly changing around me (and I mean more than education/job stuff). And some of it I might not see as a positive addition to my existence... but at some point it will become just that. It's just fighting to get there.

On the other hand we also have to know when to just let something go. I'm soo bad at this. I'm always clinging onto dead dreams and relationships that are unable to be revived. It's a curse of mine... but I do know I'm not the only one. So often we want to believe that people can change or that they'll become the person we know they can be. Other times we see them become that person with our help, only to be shunned and forgotten in the end. How can we let go? Of course I'm speaking personally, but I say "we" because I know at least a few of you reading this can relate. There are still songs I can't play and places I can't visit without painful reminders of what was and will never be again. I've gotta find that way to let it (or them) go.

I'm hopeful though, that someday I can look back on all these things and feel no spite, no hurt, or perhaps just nothing at all.

"Too long we've been denying. Now we're both tired of trying. We hit a wall and we can't get over it. Nothing left to relive... it's water under the bridge. You said it, I get it, I guess it is what it is" - Lifehouse

-M

Beware the Ides of March

Well today is March 15th, "Idus Martias" or the "Ides of March." I'm still not entirely sure why I am so enraptured with this day. Thus far in my existence nothing spectacular has happened on March 15th, but I like it all the same. It does seem to have an eerie way about it... poor Julius. For those who are unfamiliar, the Ides of March is when Julius Caesar was murdered in 44 B.C. "Et tu Brute..."

Betrayal. Haven't we all had a taste of it? A lover scorned, a trust broken, loyalty let down, a friend banished,a broken heart... we all have dealt with some form of betrayal in our lives. I suppose the more important thing to focus on is how we have managed it since. Poor Caesar didn't stand a chance. Though anyone reading this has not been murdered by their friends or loved ones (otherwise how are you reading this? Does heaven get free wi-fi?) we all have had a part of us "die" following a betrayal.

Three things come to mind when I think of betrayal in my life. A trust broken by someone I should never have naively trusted which resulted in my own physical pain and emotional crumbling... a lie and a cheat that I gave my heart to only to have it shattered in a cruel, heartless way... and finally an old friend that tossed my loyalty away for a cheap thrill. I'm not here to discuss these in detail. Those closest to me know exactly what I am speaking of and that is fine.

Consider your own betrayals, though. How have you managed them? To me it takes time and perhaps you can forgive, or perhaps not depending on circumstance... but I can never forget. Caesar I'm sure in his last moments whilst surrounded by senators thought about trust lost. Isn't that what stings? We trust and then have that trust snubbed out. And my God, how hard is it to gain back!? I believe that of my betrayals, which are more than the three I mentioned, trust is the hardest part for me to manage. Trust is the part of me that "dies" after a betrayal. I have a very hard time trusting anyone or anything without trepidation. Am I alone in that?

So it's the Ides of March. I've been away from work for a week. A week to unwind. A week to process. To deal. To get a handle on how my life constantly ebbs and flows. And today I go back to the familiar. But will it be different? How will the Ides treat me today? Life is what you make it (or so I hear), so perhaps I need to make the change instead of watch it surround me. Today may be a memorial of betrayal and trust broken, but perhaps it is just a good time for me now to push forward. Karma will catch up to all of us, so why do I worry? Why do I care so much for things that don't matter in the end? Is it human nature or a form of self-punishment? :)

Caesar was far from perfect as am I... most certainly. However, when it comes down to it don't let your betrayals kill you. Look past them and find something worth fighting for. How tragic is it to give up?

"καὶ σύ, τέκνον?"

-M

I Danced Anyway

Have you ever had a dream that you woke up from and had to check yourself in the mirror to be sure that it didn't actually exist? I woke up from what should have been an absolutely horrifying dream with an acute sense of calm and determination. I dreamed I was a professor with a class full of students who are my current friends/acquaintances (Kristen, LaKesha, Paula, Brian M., Matt M., Cora etc). On the way home from work I got into a horrific car accident. Resulting from it I had to have my left arm amputated above the elbow and my left leg amputated above the knee. Of course I was knocked into a coma when the doctors did all this to me, so as you can imagine, I woke up and FLIPPED out!

I did the whole mourning the loss of my limbs thing and felt anguished that I couldn't run anymore (... cause you know I run sooo much now lol). Then I got fitted with a painful but realistic mannequin looking prosthetic and went back to teaching. Sadly all my students treated me like I was a bit freakish and untouchable. At the end of the class after a miserable day because my leg prosthetic was killing me, I played "Moonlight Sonata" on my computer and just stood in the middle of the room. A student who had left returned and saw me just standing with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face. He asked me to dance. My leg hurt and my arm felt numb, but I accepted. He treated me like a whole human. It hurt like hell, but I danced anyway, because at least I could feel compassion. Then I woke up, tore the covers off and grabbed my leg to be sure it was a dream.

******

Sorry, I had to share that with someone. Okay so life: Umm... I took a break from posting as you can see, so I have some catching up to do. I've started getting rejections from PhD programs. I only have two options left and neither of which make me feel super excited. I DID however just apply for a full-time faculty spot at a community college and I actually really would love to get it. At that point I'd focus my attention to looking at EdD and PhDs in Higher Education. I might have a better shot there. I need to make myself look good on paper... which might prove very difficult. Those godforsaken GRE scores aren't getting any higher and I realize I'm not a good scholarly writer. But I want to be better. Anyway, that's that.

Regardless, I'm trying to stay object45rereq <---- I'm leaving that on there because Ariella just plopped on top of my keyboard because the laptop is warm. LoL. As I was saying - I want to stay objective and not get personally offended by any rejections. It's just hard not to feel the sting. Oh good, now Arie is laying on top of my hands on the laptop. I'm typing this beneath fluffy fat rolls lol.

So anyway, that's where we are now. Life isn't bad, it's just super bumpy. Kinda reminds me of the roads up here in NoVa. LoL. I don't want this blog to be super depressing all the time, but I'm sure it will have its moments so be as understanding as possible. :)

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

The Chill

Literal and figurative...

It's late January. All of my PhD applications are complete and submitted. I am teaching five college classes at two schools this semester. I've made a big decision not to take any graduate classes this Spring. I'm waiting. Somewhat patiently mind you. I think I have gotten to a point finally where a calm has come over me. I can't change anything at this point. Whatever the decision I will have to accommodate to it. Something is sure to happen one way or another.

I'd love to stay here. To keep my roots planted and work with the people I have wanted to for a while now. But it might not work out that way. If I get in elsewhere then I'll end up in North Carolina, New York, Pennsylvania or elsewhere in Virginia. If I don't get in anywhere I'll probably still move. I'd have to save face after two years of rejection in a row. I have some dignity left lol.

I'm trying something new this time around though. I'm working on that "positive thinking" thing. So far it hasn't been too bad. I think my mood has improved greatly, which comes at a good time being that my roomie is having a rougher go of it. If I wasn't trying this then I fear we would both be useless to the greater good. I'm also attempting to let go of things. I need to de-clutter. I got a new desk... and by that I mean it's about 100 years old, but it's new to me. And it forced me to throw crap away. My room is next. :)

It's a new year. And as such it's time for me to try something new. Not even a resolution per say. But just a new way of looking at my life.

It's cold outside. But not for too much longer.