I Danced Anyway

Have you ever had a dream that you woke up from and had to check yourself in the mirror to be sure that it didn't actually exist? I woke up from what should have been an absolutely horrifying dream with an acute sense of calm and determination. I dreamed I was a professor with a class full of students who are my current friends/acquaintances (Kristen, LaKesha, Paula, Brian M., Matt M., Cora etc). On the way home from work I got into a horrific car accident. Resulting from it I had to have my left arm amputated above the elbow and my left leg amputated above the knee. Of course I was knocked into a coma when the doctors did all this to me, so as you can imagine, I woke up and FLIPPED out!

I did the whole mourning the loss of my limbs thing and felt anguished that I couldn't run anymore (... cause you know I run sooo much now lol). Then I got fitted with a painful but realistic mannequin looking prosthetic and went back to teaching. Sadly all my students treated me like I was a bit freakish and untouchable. At the end of the class after a miserable day because my leg prosthetic was killing me, I played "Moonlight Sonata" on my computer and just stood in the middle of the room. A student who had left returned and saw me just standing with my eyes closed and tears streaming down my face. He asked me to dance. My leg hurt and my arm felt numb, but I accepted. He treated me like a whole human. It hurt like hell, but I danced anyway, because at least I could feel compassion. Then I woke up, tore the covers off and grabbed my leg to be sure it was a dream.

******

Sorry, I had to share that with someone. Okay so life: Umm... I took a break from posting as you can see, so I have some catching up to do. I've started getting rejections from PhD programs. I only have two options left and neither of which make me feel super excited. I DID however just apply for a full-time faculty spot at a community college and I actually really would love to get it. At that point I'd focus my attention to looking at EdD and PhDs in Higher Education. I might have a better shot there. I need to make myself look good on paper... which might prove very difficult. Those godforsaken GRE scores aren't getting any higher and I realize I'm not a good scholarly writer. But I want to be better. Anyway, that's that.

Regardless, I'm trying to stay object45rereq <---- I'm leaving that on there because Ariella just plopped on top of my keyboard because the laptop is warm. LoL. As I was saying - I want to stay objective and not get personally offended by any rejections. It's just hard not to feel the sting. Oh good, now Arie is laying on top of my hands on the laptop. I'm typing this beneath fluffy fat rolls lol.

So anyway, that's where we are now. Life isn't bad, it's just super bumpy. Kinda reminds me of the roads up here in NoVa. LoL. I don't want this blog to be super depressing all the time, but I'm sure it will have its moments so be as understanding as possible. :)

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God you learn." ~ C.S. Lewis

The Chill

Literal and figurative...

It's late January. All of my PhD applications are complete and submitted. I am teaching five college classes at two schools this semester. I've made a big decision not to take any graduate classes this Spring. I'm waiting. Somewhat patiently mind you. I think I have gotten to a point finally where a calm has come over me. I can't change anything at this point. Whatever the decision I will have to accommodate to it. Something is sure to happen one way or another.

I'd love to stay here. To keep my roots planted and work with the people I have wanted to for a while now. But it might not work out that way. If I get in elsewhere then I'll end up in North Carolina, New York, Pennsylvania or elsewhere in Virginia. If I don't get in anywhere I'll probably still move. I'd have to save face after two years of rejection in a row. I have some dignity left lol.

I'm trying something new this time around though. I'm working on that "positive thinking" thing. So far it hasn't been too bad. I think my mood has improved greatly, which comes at a good time being that my roomie is having a rougher go of it. If I wasn't trying this then I fear we would both be useless to the greater good. I'm also attempting to let go of things. I need to de-clutter. I got a new desk... and by that I mean it's about 100 years old, but it's new to me. And it forced me to throw crap away. My room is next. :)

It's a new year. And as such it's time for me to try something new. Not even a resolution per say. But just a new way of looking at my life.

It's cold outside. But not for too much longer.

Fall Again

I can hear the rain outside. I can't see it but I can hear it. I'm bundled up in bed with a fortress of pillows around me. I don't want to move yet. It's a shame... the tree outside was turning bright yellow the other day. It was soo pretty. The wind and rain just blew most of the leaves off into the clouds. It's Fall again.

It's around this time that I start thinking about New Years. What will I change next year? What will be better? What will happen to me? Every year, I have so much hope that it will be better than the last. And sometimes it is. I am fearful this year though. If things do not get better than this year then I'm not sure how I will proceed. But at least I know I will. Regardless I will proceed forward. Isn't that what we do?

I have the flu. I think. I have something. Something that is preventing me from wanting to move from this spot. I'm fine with that. Time seems to slow down for me when I can rest in bed. But as soon as I get up I can't catch up.

How do I catch up?

-M

Rain + No Sunshine

= Meg staying in bed FARRR too long on a Saturday when things need to be done!! I've figured out that I am soo tired from the week that my bed is my sanctuary. Why the hell would I want to leave something so warm and cozy? The evil, busy, raining world is outside of this thing. I'm disinclined to move.

I promise I'm not a slacker. I honestly have been so busy lately I've forgotten I even own a blog. My handwritten journal is much worse. The last entry in that is me crying over not getting into the PhD program (there's actual watermarks on the page... how pathetic).

So anyway I guess it's time for massive life updates....
I never did end up with a "job" job. I applied to 105 places total and have given up. Right now I am teaching two University of Phoenix classes, which are good but quite time consuming and don't pay crap. I am teaching two COMM 101 classes at Mason (yay adjunct means faculty parking!). I am also grading as a teaching assistant for another professor who teaches COMM 454- Free Speech and Ethics... also time consuming. I'm selling Avon products on the side. And FINALLY I clean houses when I get random offers to do so (but I do Scott/Sonia's once a week). So that's how I'm making money. And it's still very rough going, but I'm making rent payments so I see that as a positive!

On top of that I'm enrolled at Mason non-degree (meaning I don't belong to any one program) to take grad level classes. I'm hoping that if, God willing, I get into PhD this year, I can transfer them in. So I'm still in two classes with my WONDERFUL friends, who have been so patient with me this year.

I'm still very much afraid, but not as openly as before. I still get upset a bunch, and feel like I'm missing out on something I really want, but I'm still trying. I'll re-take those God forsaken GREs soon and go from there. The issue now is I'm soo busy balancing jobs that I have very little time for research! Go figure.

I can't believe how much I have to do. It's 12:45 and I'm in bed writing this while its pouring outside and Ari-cat is laying on part of my keyboard (cuz it's warm). Not to mention the apartment looks like a tornado blew through it. I'm just too tired to clean! Hahaha.

Ok this is getting sad... let me think of something nice...
I'm gonna make steak and eggs when I get up out of the left over London Broil I cooked K and me this week. :) Yay! Also, I just got back from Chicago a few weeks ago to visit Joe-face. It was a VERY nice break away and the sun even came out.

Plus I found a new "fast food" place I love but they don't have here. Culvers. Omnomnom.
www.culvers.com. Sooo good!

Ok Ari has taken over the whole laptop with her fat roll so I'm gonna log off and get goin!
Let's see if I can remember to updae now.... (Doubtful).

-Meg

The Road Not Taken

I've come to realize that I live in a sea of regret. I hate that about myself, and I truly wish I could change it. And I'm constantly crawling... the proof is under the bandages on my knees from softball.

I get to the point of wondering how things would be for me if I had made some different decisions. If I had gone down the road not taken. Been a little different. What would I be like? Where would I live? Who would I be with? Who would I stay friends with and who would I have lost? It's a very interesting exercise in reflection... something I usually try to avoid. But still, I wonder, who could I be today?

I'm still hopeful for good things to happen soon, and things are still starting to look more optimistic. Sadly though, I keep having dreams that back in April I had received better news, and that I would be on the road to a PhD right now, and not unemployed and scrounging for some semblance of a future. I wish I knew which path I could take next... and already see what's at the end of it...

Hopeful

I'm on the verge of having good things happen. If you pray, pray. If you just wish good things, wish good things.

I really could use some good news soon. I need some positive things to start happening again. So far, so good. I got a job with the University of Phoenix Online as an online instructor of Communication. I start training for that soon! :)

Otherwise I'm still silently hoping that something opens up in the PhD program for me, and that a job at Mason happens. I am still beating myself up over the one person there that doesn't seem to like me much. I really wish I knew why or what I've done. I worry they think that I can't hack it, or that I'm not deserving of a PhD. Or that maybe I'm just not a good human being... either way it sucks because I respect them a lot. And I thought that they at least supported me staying there. I don't know. :( I'd like to ask them about it, but I'm scared of what they'll say.

Either way... I hope something good happens soon. I could use it.

A Failure

I am a failure.

I spent 2 hours this morning searching online for quotes about failure and how to overcome, but none of them worked for me. It's either "pick yourself back up," "Everyone fails, it's how you deal with it" or "those who failed have not tried hard enough." This leads me to the mere conclusion that I am, in fact, a failure. I get the whole "when life hands you lemons you make lemonade, but I feel as though all the lemonade has lead to an ulcer.

I don't feel awesome as much as my friends are trying to make me believe it... I get rejected from the PhD program, I have two weeks left with my students and then I probably won't get to teach for God knows how long, I got rejected from TWO jobs this week and now I have to face all my peers and professors until I write my thesis and "HOPEFULLY" graduate. The whole time I wonder what they are really thinking about me. I wonder if they are assuming that I'm not worthy of future success, or that perhaps I'm getting what I deserve. She can't hack it. She doesn't belong here. Or worse, she's not one of us anymore.

I'm losing all desire to work on my research, which is KILLING me because it's good stuff. But who cares? I'll probably end up working at a grocery store for the next year until I can get rejected again. I know I never have handled rejection well, but this surely is supreme rejection. This is every dream I've had for the past 6 years (at least) and I just watched them get yanked from me. But instead of turning around and walking away with my head held high, I have to look everyone in the eye who met behind closed doors and decided my fate. I have to smile at them like it doesn't feel like a thousand knives being twisted in my chest because I know that when they look at me, they see someone that they didn't want here. Someone that didn't quite make the cut. I can't blame them.

I am the image of a girl who is not good enough. And once again, I have to agree.